Disclaimer: I have never been to a SoulCycle, nor do I ever intend to. The following piece is simply what I assume this incredibly popular, and from what I understand, cult-like activity is like. It does not represent my actual lived experience at this establishment, as I do not have one.

From the moment they wake up,  from what I would suspect is the most restful sleep a person can achieve, to the moment they rest their toned cheekbones on a pillow I’ll never be able to afford, a SoulCyclist must be firmly embedded in the culture of SoulCycle. I imagine a day in the SoulCycle lifestyle begins before even clicking those $200 shoes into that bike.

These walking scobys probably perform a 45-minute guided meditation from the official SoulCycle podcast hosted by…Gwyneth Paltrow? With an invigorated mind, a committed SoulCyclist then begins to invigorate their body with a thick slurry of oat milk and nutritional yeast applied directly to the epidermis. Surely, this slurry, while edible, is never consumed. After exactly 27 minutes, I assume this chic DIY body mask must be licked off by a litter of Golden Retriever puppies. These puppies MUST NOT BE ADOPTED. In fact, SoulCycle probably provides their members with their own personal puppy mill to ensure the highest quality of puppies.  After the proper disposal of these soiled canines, it’s time for human hudson bay blankets to make their way to SoulCycle, again, this is just an assumption.

By about 6:45 AM our sculpted fitness Gods and Goddesses probably emerge from the West Elm showroom they call an apartment and immediately initiate a 500 Days of Summer-style dance sequence set to Hall and Oates’ You Make My Dreams True. Of course, they will most likely make a quick stop at Whole Foods, but not the Whole Foods we all know, a Whole Foods within a Whole Foods that serves exclusively SoulCyclists and their surrogate-born children. They’ll buy a juice and a couple pounds of salmon. I bet they love salmon.

By 8:00 AM these superior beings will have arrived that the hallowed grounds of the SoulCycle. Upon entering, I assume they will of course say and prayer and make an offering of premium chambray to the aforementioned Gwyneth Paltrow. From there, I imagine SoulCycle is pretty much what any other fitness class is: a bunch of hot people paying way too much money to sweat together while being yelled at by an even hotter person.

From what I gather, SoulCycle isn’t about the workout, it’s about the lifestyle surrounding it. It seems like dedicated SoulCyclists deprive themselves of a many of life’s joys, such as simple carbs, sleep, and the ability to discuss anything other than SoulCycle. There must be a reason these athleisure-clad beauties put themselves through it, and I believe the post-workout is what makes it all worthwhile. Once the shoes have been un-clicked, water guzzled, backs patted, and the infinite beings hailing from the Pleiades Star Cluster, also known as the Seven Sisters, have deemed them worthy, the committed SoulCyclist of many years will leave their corporeal form and be transported as pure light into a realm outside the material universe onto a plane of existence consisting of boundless love and compassion. At least, that’s what I assume happens.