Dear To Whom It May Concern:
My name is Hugh Wellington. I am a fifth-year senior and proud male feminist at The University of Pennsylvania, where I was also the founder of the celebrated ironic male-centric competitor to The Vagina Monologues: Are You There, Hugh? It’s Me, Your Penis. Thus with this expertise, I will be an asset as the Fall Marketing Intern at your company, the Philadelphia Feminist Theatre Collective.
My Educational & Theatrical Background
I see you’re producing A Streetcar Named Desire, good for you! After my knockout performance as Stanley in my esteemed high school Dalton’s production, the editor at The Daltonian called my performance, “violent…harsh…problematically convincing”. I went on to study at Ivy League, The University of Pennsylvania, not to be confused with Penn State! 😉
My Feminist Credentials
I’m never afraid to ruffle feathers! When I re-read Streetcar in my required Arts & Humanities sector Theatre course, I always made my feminist ideas about the play loudly heard, given my expertise on Stanley’s tragic backstory that I made up in high school. On Halloween, I still came to class, even though I was super wasted. Showing up is half the feminist’s battle! Not to worry, after class I made it to my frat’s Sluts & Monsters party; it was indeed a rager.
My Marketing Experience
I attend Wharton, where we learn the most about marketing. As I did all of the marketing for Are You There, Hugh? It’s Me, Your Penis, from posters to flyering to posting ironic “dick-pics” (screenshots of black and white polaroids of my penis, cause polaroids are extremely ironic, FYI) as an innovative social media campaign, I now have equivalent – nay, greater – experience than your Marketing Director in the field of plays marketing!
Why Hire A Man, Even as Qualified As I?
Oxford Dictionary defines “feminist” as “a person who supports feminism”. Therefore, your company is one whom supports feminism! But what IS feminism? That ol’ chap Oxford calls it “The advocacy of women’s rights on the ground of the equality of the sexes”. An aha moment! To advocate for women, consider men equally!
Or else it’s…well, how does Oxford define sexism? “Prejudice, stereotyping, or discrimination, typically against women, on the basis of sex.” Therefore, it would be SEXIST for your theatre NOT to hire me just like it would’ve been sexist to elect Hillary Clinton just because she’s a woman! #Zuckerberg2020
My Ideas for Your Production of A Streetcar Named Desire
A controversial idea, hear me out: what if Blanche wasn’t raped? We don’t see it happen: maybe she made it up, thus showing how some women can put a damper on the #metoo movement and bring down the feminist cause! Or what if we say how Stella is sexist for assuming Stanley is a brute just cause he’s buff, cause guys can be victims of patriarchy too? Or what if that gay dude Blanche kissed comes back from the dead and now it’s a zombie play, symbolizing how zombies are objectively awesome and women can appreciate a good zombie show equally?
I WILL be demanding higher pay, I WON’T take no for an answer, and I WILL be thrilled to teach your female employees negotiating skills! Adios, being paid 22 cents under the dollar!
Hugh “Heffner” 😉 Wellington
PS: I know the deadline to apply was like a month ago, but I didn’t want to accept then have to rescind your offer once I got my class schedule! Now that I know I didn’t get into Advanced Econ cause my advisor’s a crazy bitch, I’m totally free – so long as it doesn’t interfere with my work as AEPi Social Chair, where I’m basically a feminist community organizer!
PPS: When do I start? 😉