Broke Ass Goop: A Colorful Diet And Connecting With Your Inner Wild Woman

She can’t afford a maid but she’s still connecting with the wild woman inside!

Everyone at Goop is on vacation right now eating only red foods but fret not — you can take a train and join them in the Hamptons in mere hours! If you’re not rich, however, once you get there you’ll only have two affordable options: take the train straight home or walk into the ocean. If that sounds nice, here are more cost-effective substitutes so you can Goop on a budget!




The Chakra-Based Diet

Goop Recommendation: A nutritionist recommends eating different colored foods based on chakras. She never actually explains how this works as a diet or how it could be beneficial in any way although she does drop a line about moving “away from the physical aspect of food.” As with everything on Goop, it’s ultimately about fasting.

Cheaper Alternative: While I don’t think it’s healthy, I have to admit there’s nothing cheaper than fasting!


Ask Jean: The No-Makeup Must Have?

Goop Recommendation: Jean says to rub Olio E Osso Balm — which is, by the way, makeup — all over your fucking face.

Cheaper Alternative: Actually not wearing makeup.


Apiece Apart Neils Simple Button Up Top

Goop Recommendation: This “simple” top costs $385 and is made of %100 rayon (!!!)!!!

Cheaper Alternative: This shirt from Target is also %100 rayon, definitely “simple” and only $9.99. Sure, it’s ugly, but so is the expensive top!


3 Kid-Delighting (and Stealth-Healthy) School Lunches

Goop Recommendation: Fuck peanut butter and jelly — make your kid fried rice, a warm lentil and chickpea salad or a bunch of chicken and crudités with dipping sauces.

Cheaper Alternative: Don’t have kids.


Three Easy Train Trips from New York

Goop Recommendation: Take the Amtrak Acela Express (!) to Providence, Metro-North to Hudson or the Long Island Rail Road to, of course, East Hampton.

Cheaper Alternative: Take the D train to the Bronx.


Getting Ready for Fall, the LA Way

Goop Recommendation: This is an advertisement for the expensive clothing brand Vince.

Cheaper Alternative: Buy a new sweatshirt at Goodwill. Voilà — you’re ready for fall!


Find the Pleasure in Your Body

Goop Recommendation: This was filed under both “Work” and “Wellness” because in Gwyneth’s world, those things are one and the same. This is an interview with a woman who wants you to stand barefoot in the dirt, move your hips and connect with your inner “wild woman.”

Cheaper Alternative: Standing barefoot in the dirt only works if you have a maid to clean up your dirty fucking footprints, so skip that step and get to know your inner “wild woman,” bitch!

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