16 Families I’m Thrilled Not to Have Married Into

 

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  1. Ass. Local business owners, apparently not very nice. Maybe not entirely their fault.
  2. Kotzbauer. A real German name translating to “vomit farmer.” No thanks.
  3. McUgly. Wasn’t this the hideous creature always foiling the Hamburglar’s criminal activity?
  4. Zuckerberg. Yet another German. “Sugar mountain” sounds objectively nice, but is literally toxic for your health and figuratively represents piles of free user data, mined and sold so questionably it might keep you up at night.
  5. Demon. As often as my children have earned the title, I’m not sure they deserve it for life.
  6. Falwell. Thanksgiving dinners would have been unbearable.
  7. Cobbledick. It’s just not fair.
  8. Stupid. Ancestry.com asks, “What did your Stupid ancestors do for a living?”
  9. Skywalker. Great power, great responsibility, major baggage.
  10. Bluth. Probably less fun if you were really in the middle of it.
  11. Butt. Billions of American supermarket dollaz, but does that make up for the name?
  12. Kardashian. Ugh, those sisters-in-law.
  13. Palin. Ugh, that mother-in-law.
  14. Rathood. Only if he was extremely caring, thoughtful, and had impeccable genes.
  15. Amish. Instead I’m basically married to my laptop. Apologies to my husband.
  16. Mine. Would have had to marry my brother or some other relative.

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