There are good bars, the ones at which everybody knows your name (and more importantly, your drink order), and bad bars, where you’ll find creepers hogging the pool table or trying to explain your own job to you. But no matter what type of watering hole you end up at, there’s always one sacred place you can retreat to when you need a moment of pure, unadulterated bliss – the women’s bathroom.
Some bars’ women’s bathrooms might be dirty, full of debris so large and sinister that the sooty-faced goblins from The Labyrinth come to mind, while others proudly possess counters clean enough to snort cocaine off of, but all of them channel the spirit of sisterhood.
That being said, no nirvana can effectively operate without rules. Here are the 10 Commandments every woman must follow when inside a bar bathroom. It’s up to you to uphold and eventually pass down these holy principles to future generations.
Thou shalt compliment freely
If thou catches a fellow female with a fine ass hairdo, bequeath her with a compliment. A high-waisted pair of jeans that make a lady bar-goer appear voluptuous and righteous? Shower praise upon her until every last toilet in the facility has flushed. Never, ever let an expertly applied eyeshadow go unnoticed. It is your duty to uplift your sisters and encourage them to revel in their badassery, be it presented in the form of impressive gladiator sandals or an enviable band t-shirt.
Thou shalt help a woman find a tampon
It is up to you, sister, to send out the call for feminine hygiene products when another woman is without. You must do what it takes to secure a tampon, be it pulling your secret stash from your purse or trekking back into the bar and shouting, “SHE’S BLEEDING IN THERE – WE NEED PROVISIONS, STAT!”
Thou shalt comfort the crying, sick, or wounded
There comes a time in every woman’s life when she must comfort a stranger. No matter if the tears are over a breakup, or a dance floor battle wound that’s oozing with Jaeger and pus, it’s up to you to provide some sense of solace to your fallen comrade.
Thou shalt encourage impromptu dance parties
Particularly when the rhythmic beats of Cardi B, Post Malone, or Drake come on. Thou shalt not be self-conscious about thy goofy-ass dance moves, nor shalt thou critique the body rolls of thy newfound bathroom bosom buddies.
Thou shalt assist picture taking efforts when needed
When requested, it’s up to you to take a bomb-ass picture of your fellow bathroom residents. Thou shalt always shoot from a high angle and take several pictures for thy sister to choose from. While taking said pictures, thou shalt call out phrases like “SLAY QUEEN,” “WORK GIRL,” “YOU’RE KILLIN’ THE GAME,” and the like.
Thou shalt alert thy sistern of wardrobe malfunctions
The greatest treachery of all is letting a fellow sister leave the bar bathroom with toilet paper on her shoe, lipstick on her teeth, or her skirt tucked into her panties. Go forth, and warn thy sistern of any possible wardrobe malfunctions before she makes her way back into the barland.
Thou shalt dispense advice when called upon
You shall be a knowledgeable, fair resource for your sisters, unabashedly telling them their boyfriends are trash and their dreams are attainable in equal measure.
Thou shalt treat all who reside in the bathroom as glorious, beautiful equals
In the bathroom, social status is stripped away to reveal women at their most vulnerable and beautiful. You will not judge or berate anyone, unless they are wearing MAGA apparel or discussing their love for Woody Allen movies.
Thou shalt not take a shit
Thou shalt clench thy butt cheeks to avoid pooping in the ladies room. Turds are permissible once you hear the last woman leave the bathroom. Follow the same protocol when it comes to farting (when applicable).
Thou shalt never follow up on contacting a bathroom sister after the encounter has ended
As tempting as it may be to follow a fellow sister on Instagram or Bumble, thou shalt resist. Bathroom encounters are made to be left in the bathroom, and those who do well to remember this shall prosper.