We all know that there are certain marginalized groups that get treated really poorly. As a white man, I obviously haven’t paid any attention to particulars, but I do sometimes scroll Twitter, and it seems rough. I wanted to understand how the other half lived (I’m talking about the half not in the 1%). What was life like for those whom society kicks around? There are some groups that don’t get enough attention for their struggle but are on the fringes of society — groups like the assholes of the world. I wanted to know how the world treated assholes, so I wore wireless Bluetooth headphones for a week. This is the diary (or journal — I’m a man) of my experiment.
The first step was acquiring a set of wireless Bluetooth headphones. The cheapest ones were about $60 — getting woke isn’t cheap! Well, actually, $60 is cheap for me (I make about $90/hour), but it was still annoying to spend the equivalent of 40 minutes scrolling reddit on just one pair of headphones. I ordered them off Amazon, which is where I consider this week to begin (just in case I was mistreated upon delivery or something). They arrived 3 days later even though Prime told me they’d be there the next day, so the fact that this study appears to only cover 4 days is Amazon’s fault. In true asshole fashion, yes, I complained to Amazon about their delivery guy, and I hope he gets fired!
The first day of wearing my headphones was like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. Sure, I wore a beanie to cover them, but I didn’t have cords dangling down, which I assumed was all I needed to show the world I was an asshole! I was wearing wireless Bluetooth headphones — I was sure people would be prejudiced against me. I expected bus drivers to scowl and tell me to get off immediately. Surprisingly, that didn’t happen, mostly because I’m too rich for public transit. But even still, I was amazed at how nice everyone was to me even though I was walking around as an asshole. Still, things were about to turn.
My second day of wearing the wireless Bluetooth sharks was a bit different. After day 1, I decided I needed to go a bit further to convince everyone I was an asshole. I updated my Tinder with pictures of me in my headphones. Still, no nasty comments. I started messaging girls to tell them based on the angles of the photos, they were probably uglier in real life. That’s when it really got kicked into gear — I got blocked by, like, 7 women. Who knew the world was so cruel to assholes?
My third day in the headphones was even worse. It was here that I encountered a terrible negative side effect of walking around as an asshole. I wore the headphones at work, and my coworkers asked me to try them on! Everyone knows I hate when my coworkers ask me to do anything, including but not limited to the responsibilities. It’s just so unfair that simply because I’m an asshole, all of a sudden I’m expected to engage with the people around me. Wow — I think I’m starting to learn something important. Not about social justice — I’m just currently engrossed in a fascinated reddit thread.
My fourth day as an asshole (well, an asshole in wireless Bluetooth headphones — some would say I’ve been an asshole for 18 days and/or my entire life) was when things really got bleak. Here’s where I got to truly see the worst effect of being an asshole. And it happened – as everything significant does — in an Uber. Yup, you read that right — an Uber driver tried to talk to me because he couldn’t tell I had headphones on. This was simply unbearable — who even knew assholes had it so bad? I just wanted to cry with frustration. The idea of an Uber driver asking how my day was because they didn’t know I was catching up on Reply All? Abhorrent.
At the end of the week, I was just brimming with anger. Assholes are people too, and we shouldn’t have to engage with the idiots around us just because of our headphones! Oh, cruel world! I took my headphones on and stomped all over them, mostly because I bought a warranty. Next up, I’m going to expense to my company a pair of wireless Bose headphones that are huge and noise-canceling and will compel everyone to leave me alone. Which is something I deserve, as an asshole.
In conclusion, Amazon is paying me to write this post, and I’d highly recommend purchasing Bluetooth wireless headphones.