or CCTTERC, as we CCTTs call it
1. Was This Unfortunate Life Experience Really Chelsea Clinton’s Fault, or Am I Just Projecting?
Turns out, most men at the Chelsea Clinton Twitter Troll Emotional Rehabilitation Center are projecting our own issues onto Chelsea Clinton. Though many of our life experiences and emotional scars are unfortunate, most were actually not the fault of Chelsea Clinton. In fact, most of us have never met Chelsea in real life, or been affected by any of her personal or professional work. Greg, who’s been through the program a few times, actually did meet Chelsea once at a presidential campaign event for her father in 1992, where Chelsea tripped slightly and stepped on his big toe. Chelsea was only 12 at this time, but this misstep left a lasting effect on Greg.
2. Am I Confident with Myself? Let’s Find Out!
We found out that every man in the room has struggled with confidence at some point in their life. This lesson was especially poignant for Tom, who once tweeted at Chelsea that she looks like a defunct puppet from the 1940s. Tom, we found out, was bullied for looking like a different famous puppet, Kermit the Frog, in grade school. This had a deep effect on Tom’s confidence for years and resulted in him sending out an offensive tweet/meme about Chelsea’s appearance.
3. “Women are Wrong”: Nope, That is Wrong!
This one wasn’t as revolutionary for all of us, but it really was for Devon. Turns out, Devon’s issue wasn’t actually with Chelsea Clinton specifically; he just hated women. Chelsea was the first female who came up when he googled “strong powerful woman 2018.” It really could’ve been any verified woman with a Twitter account. To be honest, when he got here, we weren’t too sure if he really “fit” in with the guys, as he is not technically a true CCTT. However, through getting to know him, we realized he needed this program just as much as the rest of us. Maybe more. Haha! Just kidding, we’re all pretty messed up.
4. Are Chelsea’s Tweets Promoting Important Causes and Bringing Awareness to Global Issues Really Code for Her to Communicate with Fellow Illuminati Child Trafficking Pedophiles?
No! The answer to this one was: no. Turns out, Chelsea is not involved with child trafficking or pedophilia in any way. All of the female twitter translation apps we found on Reddit were incorrect. Turns out, Chelsea is really actually just tweeting helpful information about vaccinations and how to talk about depression with your teenagers, and these tweets are not secret code sent out to aid repulsive monsters.
5. Are Chelsea’s Kind Responses to other CCTTs secretly death threats from the U.S. Government?
A huge turning point for all of us was when our facilitator explained to us at great length that Chelsea’s seemingly platitudinal twitter responses to CCTTs were actually not direct domestic terror threats from inside the United States Government. I, personally, was guilty of interpreting “wishing you and yours a lovely evening,” as “Garrett, I’m sending a team of Navy Seals to steal your land. Arm yourself with a million guns.” There was also her tweet, “I believe in meeting meanness and vitriol with kindness and blessings,” which I interpreted as, “I believe in diminishing the male figure in the household and poisoning all men! I hate men!”
6. Are Some of Chelsea’s Responses Satirical, Though?
Man. This one was really mind-blowing. The energy of the room became frantic with anxiety and confusion when our instructor informed us that Chelsea might be… funny? We each went through the 5 stages of grief while our facilitator explained that some of Chelsea’s responses might actually be “satire,” a word often described by the general public as “owns” or “taking the high road, but with a burn.” Kevin’s eyes actually started rolling back into his head and Jared began frothing at the mouth when our teacher showed us some non-Troll replies to one of Chelsea’s so-called “nuanced, thoughtful responses.” Shocking. In addition to explaining this interesting new concept of considering Chelsea Clinton to be a human being with feelings and a sense of humor, our instructor elaborated further on the phrase “taking the high road.” She took things one step further by making us watch a speech in which Michelle Obama stated the following: “When they go low, we go high.” This is where the session ended, with most of us sitting in silence, still a bit miffed. Perhaps serendipitously, some of us will be coming back to the same center for round two for MOTTs: Michelle Obama Twitter Trolls.