New York Woman Isn’t Pregnant, Her Ankles Are Just Swollen From This Fucking Heatwave

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Are these even ankles or just legs that turn into feet?

BROOKLYN, NY — A local woman wants everyone to know she’s not pregnant — her ankles just look like that because she’s been busy and it’s 90 fucking degrees out, OK? “Actually my weather app says it ‘feels like’ 100 and not only do I agree, I have the sweat running down my back to prove it,” she adds.

The woman, who says “upwards of 19 people” have asked her if she’s with child this summer, wants to clear things up before she gets a weird email from her bitch aunt. “It all started when that first heatwave hit in June. The first time someone asked if I was pregnant, I was offended because I like almost have a six-pack right now. After awhile I was flattered because I assumed they thought I just had that first trimester glow, but eventually I got annoyed because I figured a few dudes were trying to tell me my tits looked big, which they do, by the way, but that doesn’t mean I want you looking at them.”

Once 15 or so strangers had inquired about her fertility, the woman figured out what was going on. “It hit me that I was only being asked if I was knocked up during heatwaves, and always by people who were staring at my feet.”

After her realization, the woman says, “I looked at my ankles and I totally got it. It was 95 degrees, I’d been standing all day cleaning and packing up my apartment because I have bedbugs — don’t ask — and I had third trimester ankles. If I hadn’t been 110% sure I wasn’t pregnant, I would have gone straight to the ob-gyn and told her to induce.”

“You mean her or him?” we asked.

“A male ob-gyn? Do I look fucking crazy?”

The woman isn’t the only New Yorker afflicted with so-called pregnant ankles, and in fact even men can develop ankles so swollen they look like they need to be under the care of a midwife, or at least a doula. When asked, an Ankle Fluid Expert explained, “When it’s hot as balls out, your body excretes more liquid — not through your pussy or dick but through your skin. On the hottest days, however, the body produces more liquid than a person’s skin can excrete, unless you’re like extra gross and sweaty and disgusting. So what happens is that gravity drags the liquid down and it pools in the lowest part of the body which, if you’re doing a lot of standing, is the ankles.”

In that case, if a person is lying down in the heat, why doesn’t the liquid pool in the ass? “That’s the great mystery,” said the expert. “If I could figure it out, I’d be a fucking millionaire from the Kardashian family alone, but unfortunately all I know is ankles.”

When asked how she plans to avoid the big question for the rest of the summer, the woman said, “I mean it’s the end of fucking August — isn’t this shit almost over? Ugh, I know summer lasts through September and sometimes even into October these days, but I’m hoping this is the last big heatwave, at least. But in case anyone is wondering — no, I’m not pregnant. I’m just fucking hot and fucking tired and on my fucking feet fucking 24/7 so leave me the fuck alone until the temperature drops below 75. Please.”

Though frustrating, the woman’s experience is a good lesson for all of us: before you give a seemingly pregnant woman your seat on the train, consider the weather and look at her goddamn stomach first.

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