Safe Handling Instructions For Your Newly Liberal Parent™  

old couple walking while holding hands
Photo by Noelle Otto on

Your parent has been a Republican for as long as you can remember. However, now, thanks in no small part to Trump, they are rethinking their political views. They’ve decided they’re voting for Democrats in the midterms (maybe, if the line’s not too long and work’s not too busy and Janie’s dumb mom isn’t there — they’ll see). But be careful. Their liberal leanings are tenuous at best, and you don’t want to jostle them! Here, we offer advice on how to avoid breaking your Newly Liberal Parent™ so that their political views can be safely transported to the 2018 elections.

  1. Keep your Newly Liberal Parent™’s Bush and Trump views separate in the packaging. Sure, your parent voted for Bush, and the Iraq War happened, but did it? It did, but did it? It did. But don’t bring it up. Guilting them about past transgressions might shatter their newly liberal views, plus, it takes up space in the conversation that could be better spent bragging about how you haven’t been evicted in a while (4 months).
  2. Your Newly Liberal Parent™ is liable to crack if it comes into too much contact with Democratic Socialism. If your parent hasn’t heard about Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, do NOT bring her up. If they’ve forgotten about Bernie, let them believe he was just a phase. Nothing will fracture your parent’s newfound liberalism like the thought of universal healthcare!
  3. Pack your Newly Liberal Parent™’s views together with Democrats your parents can really get behind, like Joe Lieberman, Joe Manchin, and Republicans who aren’t Trump.
  4. In the event that you need to bring an even-more liberal friend to dinner, make sure they do not decline your Newly Liberal Parent™’s venison just because they’re a “vegan” for “cruelty reasons”. Vegans are sure to remind your parents what they hate about liberals (I mean, that is the effect vegans have on everyone). The only thing your parents hate more than deer are picky eaters.
  5. When your Newly Liberal Parent™ says “ugh, I feel so sorry for Melania — I mean, you’d just hate to be married to the guy” nod along as if this is a relevant point.
  6. Keep your Newly Liberal Parent™’s tax returns refrigerated and hidden from sight. They do not need to know what various social programs are costing them. Also, try to hide to hide the bill you got from crashing your mom’s car into a deer. Expenses your parents don’t remember won’t really hurt them, just like how you didn’t really hurt that deer.
  7. Now is a good time to ask your Newly Liberal Parent™ for money — they’re feeling generous.
  8. Do not transport your Newly Liberal Parent™ with guns. Guns should not be shipped to your house at all. Not only can they kill you, but also, if your dad thinks he’s going to lose his right to hunt — which he won’t — it’ll kill his nascent support for the Democratic party faster than he killed that deer!
  9. If needed, bring extra red wine as reinforcement. Definitely encase in bubble wrap — who knows how many Republicans your Newly Liberal Parent™ will spitefully vote for if you ruin her carpet again.
  10. Use caution when describing the negative effects of deregulation to your Newly Liberal Parent™. They see regulation as an unnecessary roadblock, much like a deer.
  11. Put your fingers in your eyes and yell “ABORT ABORT ABORT” if your Newly Liberal Parent™ describes abortion as murder. This won’t actually help your parents support the Democratic party, but it’s a fun wordplay that will get the attention back on you, where it belongs. After all, if they didn’t want every conversation they had for the rest of their life to focus on their child, they should have considered, you know, adoption.
  12. Return your Newly Liberal Parent™ to sender immediately if they start to say “well, she just wasn’t likable”.
  13. Don’t drink too much if you’re planning to drive home. Your Newly Liberal Parent™’s neighborhood has always been lousy with deer.

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