Excuses For Not Submitting to My University’s Alumni Magazine

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  • I don’t have a job.
  • I make less money now than I did when working at the Subway on campus.
  • The dogs I walk aren’t even that cute. I mean, one of them is actually really cute but she’s unphotogenic. Isn’t it unfair how that can also happen to dogs? I’m also unphotogenic because, if you haven’t noticed, I’m like, very cute in person. Can you please stop referencing my class photo? I get it – it’s bad.
  • I lost the email address of the person in charge, and I’ve given up Googling for Lent. And the months after Lent.
  • It’s just so blasé.
  • It feels like bragging. It’s actually possible that there’s someone from my college who, yes, is less successful than I am. I can’t think of a specific example but that doesn’t mean we don’t have one! As Einstein always said, someone out there is walking even fewer dogs than you! (Yes, I listened in Astronomy class).
  • I just don’t have updates. My website only got 2 hits last month, both from me on my phone checking to see if the font was properly spaced (it wasn’t but I didn’t know how to fix it).
  • The economy amiright?
  • I’m still very patiently waiting for my ship to come in. Some days I feel like all I do is wait! But then I remember not to be too hard on myself — I don’t just wait. I also watch TV.
  • I have a startup, but we’re in stealth mode so it’s illegal for me to talk about them. Also, I’m worried if I send updates to the alumni magazine about us, someone else will steal my idea for a hoverboard-sharing service.
  • I dont no how to spel. To bad university didnt teach me.
  • I don’t have the time.
  • I have way too much free time to undertake any project that won’t take more than 60 hours.
  • I lost access to Wifi. Everywhere. NYC — the city’s changing!
  • I don’t need to submit to my alumni magazine to keep people posted on my whereabouts! I have a very handy mailing list that anyone is able to subscribe to! Actually, would the alumni magazine be interested in promoting my newsletter? And my Twitter? I’m almost at 600 followers — you can tell my comedy career is on the verge!
  • My ex might find out I’m still living with my parents.
  • My parents might find out I’m embarrassed to be living with them.
  • My embarrassment might find out it’s in print!
  • Print is a dying medium.
  • The last four times I submitted they told me I need to have some “tangible achievements” to write about, which confused me because I’ve always had six toes. WHAT MORE DO I NEED TO DO.
  • Apparently, none of the kids I tutored for the SAT were accepted into my alma mater.
  • Hm, I’m just worried one of my Tinder matches will see, and I’ve been giving out a false name for years. Who’s to say I’m not named Lena Dunham? Also, I lie about my age but so does literally everyone, especially all the 23-year-olds like me!
  • I went to Harvard which is, overall, not great. For me.

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