Your mom was right when she advised you to pour a glass of milk the day she caught you shoving whole pieces of Wonder Bread into your mouth. Thousands of people die from choking each year. But do you know what she wasn’t right about? Anchor babies being brought over the border via drone.
Remember how you started going to The Sun Hut in high school because Nicole H. said your red hair and pale skin made you look like a used tampon? You now have a 1 in 58 chance of developing melanoma. Yikes. But hey, at least you can comfort yourself with the fact that no one feels threatened by your brown skin.
No, not the kind you had behind the garden shed at Nate’s 9th birthday party. The fall-off-your-chair-while-reaching-for-the-Cinnabon-Vodka-on-the-top-shelf kind. Imagine If I.C.E. kept tabs on your Jessica Day moments the way they keep tabs on refugees—you’d be deemed a threat to national security every time you try to put on sweatpants in the dark.
Our cell phones
While the jury is still out on whether it’s bad to detain children in a concrete building that resembles the world’s saddest Costco, there is general agreement in this country that we should avoid driving while distracted (it causes about 9 deaths per day). So you probably shouldn’t complain about illegals running wild in the streets if you are the type of person who googles “weird leg rash” in the middle of a school zone.
Admit it—you always were a little afraid of Noodle, your neighbor’s dachshund, especially when he wears his lumberjack outfit (Does he really need an axe?). And you should be! Compared to the people seeking asylum in this country, Noodle is basically a tiny, flannel-clad Demogorgon who hasn’t had its Starbucks yet. Maybe you should talk to your neighbors about building a bigger fence.
Picture this: Relaxing music. Scented Candles. And Death scrubbing your crusty turtle feet with the coarsest loofah Walgreens had to offer. What did you say, Death darling? It’s more likely that I’ll drown in my own bathtub than be murdered by my elderly Honduran neighbor? I don’t know, Deathy. Some of the things the President has said about gang violence makes me wonder if that group of women Mrs. Hernandez always has over is really a knitting club after all…What’s that? Sure! I would love more pizza rolls.
Most of us gave up our fantasy of making love to Ben Affleck while a giant space rock hurtles towards Earth because we thought it was too unrealistic. Well, guess what, fam? Your chances are actually pretty good! At least, they’re “pretty good” in relation to your chances of being a victim of immigrant crime (even the Ben Affleck part, TBH). Just pray our future space force isn’t as diligent about neutralizing foreign objects as U.S. Border Patrol.
A white man
There is simply no fighting the data on this one: Kevin from Quality Assurance is a bigger threat than the man speaking Spanish in the Citgo checkout line. Wait a minute, you say. Kev’s a good guy. Sure, he joked that the Hershey’s pie at Burger King is so good “it should be illegal” and then totes put an Uzi on his wedding registry. But he always says hello and asks about your daughter’s gymnastics lessons. How bad can he be? At least we don’t have to worry about a bunch of Kevins taking over the country.