Fall TV Previews (Based On Their Bus Ads)

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The new fall TV season is almost here, just in time to help bridge the gap between your reverse seasonal depression and your regular seasonal depression!

Wondering what to expect on all your favorite networks?* Well then get excited, because I got an EXCLUSIVE sneak peek at all the hottest new shows… when I saw ads for them on sides of various buses and bus stops (also those posters on the subway platform designed to give you something to look at while that man urinates on a trash can).

So buckle up, borrow your parents’ cable login, and get ready for a thrilling season of beautiful people making distressing faces!

New Amsterdam (NBC)

This conventionally attractive (and slightly blurry) doctor is always in motion, trying to upend the stodgy old “standing medicine” he was taught in school. West Wing fans will love the Aaron Sorkin-style walk-and-talk surgery scenes, while Grey’s Anatomy viewers will swoon over this doctor’s mysterious troubled past–– a past that resulted in his terrible haircut.

God Friended Me (CBS)

It’s a reality competition where 15 ordinary, god-fearing Americans compete for the divine creator’s love and affection— and one lucky winner will be chosen to survive the apocalypse and restart humanity!

A Million Little Things (ABC)

The guy from Office Space battles chronic constipation while surrounded by either people he went to college with and their spouses OR his mixed-race adopted brothers and sisters–– all of whom are still reeling from the untimely crock-pot-related death of their father.

God Friended Me (CBS)

It’s a CBS procedural about catfishing crimes investigated by a devoutly religious naval forensic investigator and his wise-cracking, skeptical partner, Lucy Lui.

The Rookie (ABC)

Hey, remember when Nathan Fillon was on Castle? Just kidding, I know you never watched Castle!

Candace Bergen is Murphy Brown (CBS)

It’s 1991, zero Clintons and only one Bush have been President so far. It is a simpler time when all your worries could simply melt away— Thursdays this fall!

Magnum, P.I. (CBS)

It’s an interior decorating competition where the sassy host is constantly asking the contestants “but does the carpet match the drapes?” (I assume “P.I.” stands for “Premium Interiors.”)

Deep State (EPIX)

The giant disembodied head of a poor man’s Nicholas Cage takes down the secret conspiracy to control the government using nothing but his steely state in this must-see— oh wait it’s on Epix, never mind. 

FBI (CBS)

From the executive producer of Law & Order comes this show that isn’t ABC’s Quantico but will nevertheless result in several awkward conversations with your mother about “why the Indian girl looks different this season.” (Try to remind her that Quantico was on the Roseanne network. That usually works.)

Manifest (NBC)

A rag-tag group of conventionally attractive white people (and their conventionally attractive white children) demand to speak with a supervisor after their flight lands 43,000 hours late.

God Friended Me (CBS)

Okay so God is actually an overweight teenager until a miracle makes The Almighty the hottest deity at school. Can the Lord Our Father get revenge on the popular kids while still convincing the Catholic Church to cover up sex crimes?

The Connors (ABC)

From the creators of Roseanne comes this–– JK! JK! They’re not advertising this nightmare!

(*Oh, and for those of you born after 2003: A “network” is like the cheaper Hulu with ads, but for old people.)

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