Hi, I’m Mary, and this is my column no one asked for about things I like!
In case you haven’t gone outside all week or (for some crazy reason) don’t live on the East Coast, it’s been really fucking hot. We’ve been experiencing the kind of heat and humidity that turns your pussy bright red, making you wonder if you’re getting some kind of genital heat rash before it fades and you realize your coochie (lol what a word) was just telling you to sit spread eagle in front of a fan for awhile. Like all New York City residents who can’t afford to air condition their entire apartments, I’ve been completely miserable and loopy as hell. It was 95 degrees Wednesday and at one point I was pretty sure I was wandering through the desert and the city was just a mirage, which was scary because I’d like to believe if I were hallucinating, my imagination would come up with something a little better than Bushwick.
Hopefully this was the last heatwave of the summer because I’m ready for fall, baby! No matter how old I get (none of your business!), fall always feels like the beginning of a new school year, a chance to start fresh. The sad truth, however, is that fall starts later and later every year and we’re still a month or so away from feeling a chill in the air, which means I’m still a month or so away from even trying to look presentable. It’s been so hot the past few months that I’ve spent most of the summer walking dogs in nothing but shorts and an ancient sports bra that’s so loose my titties flop around in it like fish on dry land. This week, in an act of unbridled optimism, I threw that sports bra away. I’m ready for a change, world! Starting with the weather.
When it’s hot, I all but give up on things like hair and makeup, though there are a few products I can rely on to keep things in check even when it “feels like” it’s 100 degrees outside. Those are, of course, the products I treasure most of all — especially when it comes to my hair. I have naturally wavy hair, which sounds a lot more appealing than it is. Though I wish I were one of those women who can get her hair to air dry into perfect waves (like my sister, who has perfect hair that she washes twice a week and never styles), I’m not. I do prefer to let my hair air dry if I have the time, which I do these days since I don’t have a job lol whoops. Once my hair is dry, however, I always have to take a flat iron to it, especially in heat and humidity this extreme.
Maybe you’ve heard this before, but heat styling is actually bad for your hair! So it’s important, according to beauty blogs and magazines, to use a good heat protectant. Many years ago, I was kicking around in Sephora when I came across Alterna, a line of hair products with the kind of packaging that makes it seem like it’s good for your hair. They had two thermal protectants and I purchased the Bamboo Smooth Kendi Oil Dry Oil Mist. I figured if it had that many words in the title, it must be good!
Fortunately I was right. It smoothed and moisturized my hair, and while I’m not sure it actually protected it from heat styling, it made my hair feel soft and look shiny. Around this same time, I purchased an expensive hair dryer and flat iron (this was back when I had a job, though I bought both during a Cyber Monday sale, obviously). The Sedu Revolution dryer promised to dry my hair in half the time, and I think it did? And the Sultra flat iron was great because it smoothed my hair on even the lowest setting, and I could use it to both straighten and wave my hair. After a few months of use, however, I noticed that my hair was just as damaged as ever.
Eventually, I decided to see if a different product would help and purchased Alterna’s Bamboo Smooth Anti-Breakage Thermal Protectant Spray, which ended up being more of a cream than a spray but worked OK, though I didn’t like it as much as the oil. Then something terrible happened: I started reading about how bad silicone is for your hair.
It took me a long time to figure out why, exactly, silicone is so terrible but apparently it makes your hair break more easily or something like that. I began to search for an alternative and read that Jennifer Aniston’s haircare line Living Proof is silicone-free. I was both shocked and embarrassed I hadn’t tried Living Proof yet since every time I’ve gone to a hair salon in the past 15 years, I’ve taken a picture of Jen to show my stylist, so I purchased the Living Proof Instant Protection spray. After using it for a few weeks, I noticed I was getting more split ends, and that the product didn’t seem to help tame my frizz at all. I had never felt so betrayed by a friend or a Friend. Eventually, I decided silicone can’t be that bad — doctors put it in titties, after all — so I ordered more of my beloved Kendi Oil spray on Amazon and have been using it ever since.
A few months ago, both my fancy hairdryer and flat iron died so I’ve gone back to my cheap Con Air and nearly broken old Chi flat iron which, by the way, work just as well as the expensive tools and don’t noticeably cause more damage. It turns out if you’re going to heat style your hair, it’s going to get damaged no matter what you use, so you might as well use what makes it look best. When it comes beauty products, I try to stick to all-natural and organic products, and I’m pretty sure my Kendi Oil doesn’t fit into that category but you know what? It helps tame my frizz on even the muggiest days. We can’t all be purists all the time and if silicone helps make my hair look nice, let me know the next time Pamela Anderson changes out her breast implants so I can use one of her old titties to deep condition my hair.
As always, I’d like to clarify that this is NOT a sponsored post. I received nothing for it and am pretty sure no one cares what thermal heat protectant I use in my hair. Still, if anyone is reading and ever wants to give me literally anything for free, hair product or not, I WILL TAKE IT!!!!!!
Anyway, I hope this was helpful. I’ll be back with more unsolicited recommendations soon!