To-Do List For the Kale I Ate Three Weeks Ago

green plant
Photo by Pixabay on


  • Help me lose 10 lbs
  • Clear my skin up
  • Enable me to poop every morning for the rest of my life
  • Take my laptop to the Apple Store
  • Play nicely in my belly with all the fries I ate last night.
  • Clamp down on everything giving me Acid Reflux
  • Find me a boyfriend
  • Get me a raise
  • Tell my landlord to back off.
  • There’s some kind of poop on my windowsill –maybe a pigeon’s, maybe mine, can you take care of it?
  • Remind Nancy to stop bitching about her boyfriend.
  • Adopt a puppy for me, but help me hide it in my apartment so I’m not evicted.
  • Call my mom
  • Impeach Trump
  • World Peace (I’ll admit this one is a bit of a stretch — I’m open to eating a snip of parsley this morning if that’ll really fix this whole ISIS situation).

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