My Health As A Function Of How Much Battery I Have Left In My iPhone

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Photo by Tracy Le Blanc on
  • 100%: I’m in perfect health. I will live to be 130 years old. Maybe even 140 – I have good genes.
  • 98%: I must find an outlet unless I want my life expectancy to precipitously drop to 128.
  • 90%: I’m in pretty good shape but yes, I do have a family history of diabetes.
  • 80%: I might as well be a smoker, but a casual one. Like, a social smoker, by which I mean a smoker who only smokes when thinking about social interactions.
  • 75%: I feel a tweak in my knee. And my liver — should I get it checked out? I’ve never felt a tweak in my liver before.
  • 76%: My iPhone miraculously gained 1% of its battery life, and I’ve concluded that the tweak in my liver was actually just gas. Apologies to those in my direct vicinity on this BART train.
  • 60%: I just tripped. I am 100% sure I have Parkinson’s.
  • 58%: Over half of my life is done. Because everyone knows your phone is dead once it hits 20%.
  • 50%: Wow my throat is so dry. My head is pounding. I need to lie down.
  • 42%: How is the average life expectancy 80 — I’ll be lucky if I made it to 29.
  • 30%: Cancel all my plans. Tell me boss I’m never coming into work again – I need to spend the remaining hours with my loved ones.
  • 20%: I’m melting….
  • 18%: Someone please, call an ambulance! For my phone! It’s about to die! I am too, but save my iPhone first!!
  • 15%: Maybe the illness is making me delusional, but I think I see — yes, I think in the distance I might see — is that a charger? Are we going to make it out of this one alive?
  • 14%: It’s for the iPhone 4 and lower!
  • 13%: Holding out hope — I see another charger! Please, somebody, please! Have kindness! Save a life!
  • 12%: iPhone chargers don’t cure cancer, I learned.
  • 11%: Tell my parents I loved them.
  • 10%: Tell Janie she’s a dumb bitch and Harvey always liked me better!  
  • Less than 10%: The bar is yellow. My will is underneath the box of excess iPhone chargers in my room.

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