Jeb Bush’s Military Junta of Civility

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¡Hola America! It’s me, Jeb! Back by popular demand, I have returned to public life to #resist the Trump administration. For me, that means carrying out a moderate Republican coup d’etat and establish a junta of civility. Who’s low energy now, sir?

After I read the recent New York Times Op-ed about the conservative resistance inside the Trump Administration, and after I saw the establishment resistance at John McCain’s funeral, I knew that basically, the American people were retroactively voting for Jeb 2016. And by the American people, I mean about nine high-profile D.C. veterans. And since I could never defy the will of nine American people, a military junta is really a very democratic thing.

 With my SuperPAC-turned-paramilitary-force, Right to Rise, we have raised over $100 million to buy the best in military private contractors that are loyal to me and me alone. Talk about restoring dignity to the Oval Office, Jeb!

When I was a young man, I spent some time in Latin America (¡Yo hablo español!), and I came to admire the Cold War puppet dictators created to combat the threat of uncivil, democratically-elected socialist leaders. When I think decency, moderation, and the American Way, I think Augusto Pinochet. That’s the America that the world knows. That’s the type of leader the American people crave.

Not only am I a tested and experienced leader, ready to restore America to its pre-democratic roots, but I am also a family man. For example, when I was governor of Florida, my secretary of state threw out hundreds of thousands of Democratic ballots in Miami County in the contested 2000 election, for my brother. That’s how much of a moderate, stable family man I am.

When we overthrow the Trump administration and decently decapitate President Bully at the White House Correspondents Dinner, everything in America will improve, but especially discourse. There will be so much civility and “post-war consensus.” Congress is so raucous and ugly and partisan! Sweep it up, toss messy democracy in the dustbin. We need unity under Supreme General, Jeb!

And nobody will love it more than the people. Under the Junta of Jeb, or the Jebunta, every man, woman, and child will be given three Florida oranges per day and thin, square glasses. That way everyone will be high-energy with Vitamin C, like me, a civility-war hero.

And if you see all of those impolite traitors at our private family ranches all over the country (the unmannerly press calls them “forced labor prisons”), you will notice that they all have circular glasses. Civility Slanderers!

Some say that the #resistance should come from the grassroots and address the systemic inequalities that caused Trump before confronting Trump himself. To them, have you ever heard of vaccines? My brand of neoliberal economics and foreign policy caused Trump, and what is better to vaccinate the American people of the Trump virus than a little bit of the Jeb vaccine? Some may say that that’s not how vaccines work, and to them I say, I am the intellectual Bush. Therefore, you can trust me, Jeb Bush, Supreme General of the Right to Rise, High Secretary of the Guardians of Chivalry, Chairman of the Courtesy Old Party (COP), Surgeon General of the Civil States of America!

Please clap. You will clap now. We will force you to clap.

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