What I’m Going To Do When I Find Out Who Wrote This Anonymous Op-ed


Oh, am I ever incensed. As a normal, law-abiding (mostly — I do drink on the street sometimes) citizen who has been known to occasionally vote, I care deeply about the person who wrote this anonymous New York Times op-ed. And let me tell you — when I find out who did it, I’m going to wreak hell. No one knows who wrote it, and I deserve to know first! As a global busybody, it’s a security issue to my personal social standing that I don’t know yet.


Some people think it’s Mike Pence. Mike Pence! Leading the resistance from inside! Without ever being alone in the room with a lady!? Listen, if I find out it’s Mike Pence, it’s game over for the guy. The resistance isn’t futile – it’s female, and the fact that he’s trying to resist without a woman, well that’s just too much.


Could it be Rudy Giuliani? Oh will I ever blow my stack if Rudy Giuliani is leading the resistance. America’s Mayor! The mayor who got us through 9/11? Well, he’s successfully resisted ever getting elected president, so why stop there. Sure, he’s a resistor. A resistor to power (his own)! Oh, if it’s Rudy Giuliani, I am NEVER voting for him for mayor again!


Could it be Dan Coats? The Homeland Security Secretary? I thought Homeland was kind of a boring show, so if it’s Dan Coats — oh am I ever going to sit down and rewatch it just to cool myself down! Seriously – if the guy in charge of protecting our homeland can’t even own up to writing an anonymous op-ed — oh, am I ever moving to Canada.


What if it’s a woman? LOL could you even imagine? A woman thinking she’s a hero for writing an anonymous op-ed about an ineffective resistance? It could have been Kellyanne Conway, I haven’t ruled it out. And when I find out if it’s a woman — oh, am I ever going to be a little bit proud idk I just like when women make the news!


What if it’s a low-level White House staffer? Oh boy oh boy, will I be pissed. Some low-level staffer thinks they can lead the resistance? I was in an entry-level position once, and I didn’t even try to lead myself into work in the morning (I got fired). But anyway – the hubris! That some stupid low-level fresh-out-of-Dartmouth piece of shit thinks he’s good enough to lead the resistance! Oh, am I going to raid the fridge if I found out the writing of this anonymous op-ed was JUNIOR! Like the junior mint I’m eating RIGHT NOW.


Oh, when I find out who’s leading this resistance, you better believe I’m going to FLIP. A. SHIT. Because I don’t like competition. And the resistance is lead by me. Right here. On reddit. @grilled_cheesy #resist.


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