Ugh, it’s happened again! Another failed confirmation. I don’t know what it is about me, but I’m just one of those girls literally every guy tries to nominate, but none ever wants to confirm. It happens again and again. I get nominated, I get brought to DC, they start the vote, and all of a sudden the House of Representatives is like “hey, we’re not really looking for anything serious right now. Also we were upfront about that from the beginning, and we need to take off for summer recess, byeee.”
Is it that I’m too loose? Sure, I’ve let myself be nominated for a ton of things in my life – district court seats, state senate elections, homecoming queen. I guess word has gotten around that I just get nominated all the time, and guys don’t want to confirm me. Maybe I should have said no to a few of the guys who wanted to nominate, but I don’t believe in playing games. It just sucks that presidents are so picky and only want to be with girls who have never done the confirmation process before. If anything, I’d be better at getting confirmed because I’m experienced and I know what types of questions they ask! And if it runs long, I am willing to wait.
Is it that I’m not the kind of girl you can take home to both sides of the aisle. Sure, I’m cute, but am I really someone you want to meet your Republican friends? I mean, I certainly think I am. I’m a professional babysitter so I can definitely handle Mitch McConnell. I’m more approachable than Bork!! Give me a chance — I may not look like confirmation material, but I can get your loathsome colleagues to open up.
Is it that I don’t answer your questions successfully? What, you want to know how I felt about Bush vs Gore? I felt tired, because I was 9 and my parents kept me up until 10pm watching the election returns. That’s how I felt about it.
Is it that you think I don’t want to be confirmed? I’m looking for something serious. Sure, it’s fun to get nominated all the time and get all the free tax-pa-er supported bottles of water, but I’m looking to settle down. I’m not Thomas Dewey – I want more than this. Honestly, like Mario Cuomo, the only reason I’ve ever said I don’t want to be confirmed is because I wanted to protect myself emotionally since I know it’s such a long shot.
Some of my female friends are envious of me. They say, “I can never find a cute guy to nominate me,” or like, “I’m so stressed out if I could just have a quick one-night nomination it’d be amazing.” And I’m always like, “Janie, come out with us on Friday night and you’ll for sure find someone! The reason you never get nominated is cause you watch Netflix every weekend!”
Seriously, even though getting nominated feels good in the moment, after the hearings, I’m just left feeling empty again. It’s not like being confirmed and having something to go in and do every morning. You know how actresses on the red carpet at the Oscars always say “it’s an honor just to be nominated”? It’s NOT! Mostly because they dig up all my files and completely invade my personal life and air all my dirty laundry, and I don’t just mean my stockings.
Some guys do the hearings and ask me all the questions, but honestly, some guys just ghost me. I think I’m going to get confirmed and them boom – I’m Merrick Garland. I think guys think if they confirm me that means they’ll never get a chance to break up with me later — oh, wait, yeah, that is true. We should maybe change that system because I’m not asking for a lifelong commitment, just something I can make Facebook official!
Oh, did you only nominate me so you could say you considered a woman before choosing another man? It’s cool, I get it. I’m just one of those girls.