Leaked Email From Betsy Devos

yellow school bus beside gray concrete building
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Subject: “school safety”

For some reason, there has been a decrease in school shootings over the summer, and we’d like that trend to continue!

When shopping for bulletproof backpacks, please buy the appropriate weight for your child. We can no longer give first graders opioids for back pain. It does your child no good to survive a shooting one day, and overdose the next.

Backpacks may be heavier, but history books are lighter! Because of tax cuts, there are no pages for the last 30 years. Kids don’t know about the other president Bush, who started the other war in Iraq, but frankly, we find that information redundant.

The best backpack is a see-through backpack. We like to be able to see if students are carrying guns, knives, or weird literature. If we see Nietzsche or Ayn Rand, we will get that child into therapy before they harm anyone. If you are unsure how to pronounce an author’s name, do not bring their books to school!

Some schools this year are not allowing any backpacks at all. These students will have to carry books using their arms. Luckily, the extra exercise means we can reassign the P.E. teacher to full-time guard duty (actually, we are reassigning all teachers to full-time guard duty).

Each school will have one entrance, and it will be guarded like an airport. The school day will be long enough for students to get through security, say the pledge of allegiance, and turn around. You may ask: ‘but what will my student learn?’ The answer: patriotism, fear, and the ability to count to their place in line. The school must be fortified like a castle!

Note: any student who gets detention must stay after to help dig the moat.

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