Broke Ass Goop: How To Maintain A Skeletal Figure Without Dying

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There’s a lot going on in the world of Goop right now, from the usuals like cleanses and milk from things that can’t be milked to the most disturbing thing I’ve ever read on that fucking site. Plus, if you’re struggling to make ends meat right now and looking for a new career, the team at Gwyneth Enterprise has a great new career option: grieving. I’ve done that for free but thankfully Goop is here to tell me, as usual, that I’ve been doing it all wrong!

x

M.C.

 

BEAUTY

Godfrey’s Guide: I Must Have Plant Milk

Goop Recommendation: Apparently plants can be milked — and turned into a $125…serum? Or something? It’s unclear what this substance is.

Cheaper Alternative: Squeeze the shit out of your houseplants and rub the “milk” all over your fucking face.

WELLNESS

How to Lose Healthy Weight

Goop Recommendation: I clicked on one article in this series and it was an interview with a Ph.D. on how to achieve your “leanest livable weight” so I stopped reading immediately because that. is. DISTURBING!!!!

Cheaper Alternative: If you want to lose weight, eat less and move more but whatever you do, never, ever even think about achieving your “leanest livable weight” a.k.a TOEING THE LINE OF DEATH TO BE THIN.

FOOD

How to be Vegan

Goop Recommendation: This is a collection of recipes and weird diets that have very little to do with eating vegan, including this $189 soup cleanse.

Cheaper Alternative: If you want to be vegan, do it! But don’t do that dumbass cleanse because you don’t need to achieve your leanest livable weight.

STYLE

9 Essentials for a Minimal, Comfortable, Sleep-Inducing Bedroom

Goop Recommendation: This article suggests you strip down your bedroom to just the essentials, like $300 sheets and a $180 “warmth maker,” which is just a rich person term for blanket.

Cheaper Alternative: Get bed bugs. It’s insanely expensive but you’ll be forced to throw out every single thing you own and I can’t imagine anything more Goop-approved than spending thousands of dollars to become a minimalist.

SHOP

Goop x CB2

Goop Recommendation: I thought CB2 was Crate & Barrel’s cheaper, more apartment-friendly line but this special Goop collection includes a $2,000 pink velvet retro couch which, while not as expensive as I’d expect from Goop, wouldn’t fit in any New York apartment I’ve been allowed inside.

Cheaper Alternative: Live in an apartment so small you can’t fit a folding chair, much less a big pink couch.

TRAVEL

The Four Most Underrated American Food Cities

Goop Recommendation: This article says you absolutely must eat in Milwaukee, Asheville, Maui and Portland, Maine. It’s basically a collection of short travel guides shilling expensive restaurants.

Cheaper Alternative: If you live in one of these cities, congratulations! Even if it’s (paleo!) cereal (with almond milk!), you’re eating in one of America’s most underrated food cities. If not, get ahead of the Goop curve and declare your own town the fifth most underrated American food city and eat a banana or something.

WORK

How to Handle Grief

Goop Recommendation: Having dealt with a considerable amount loss myself, I know firsthand that slogging through grief can feel like hard labor. But the fact that this is filed under “WORK” is confusing and wrong! “Working” through these grief aides (which include book recommendations and an interview with a “death doula”) may be helpful but it won’t make you any money.

Cheaper Alternative: Actually work, especially if you’re grieving. It’ll give you a sense of purpose and provide a great distraction. Also, don’t try to get to your leanest livable weight because if you miss by even a little bit, your loved ones may be grieving you soon, and you know how much they hate to work.

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