Millennial Wedding Vows


I promise to never block you.

I promise to always tag you.

I promise to feature you regularly in my Instagram story. (Your desperation is endearing.)

I promise to retweet you, even when your tweet is questionable and more cerebral than it is laugh out loud funny. ( let’s face it my retweets put you on the map baby.)

I promise to remain friends with  your grandmother on Facebook despite her racist posts. I’ll even like the posts and maybe even start to see her side of things. Family is important.

I promise to share my Netflix password with you.  I’m on your mom’s account. JK! Lame mom joke. Let’s get real for a second. It’s MY mom’s account. That’s not a joke. The mom who pays for our Roku (and for our apartment) Thank you Mommy!

I promise to share my Hulu password with you, even though, those goddamn commercials (so annoying, fuck)  might be the source of our future divorce, they’re so annoying. JK! We will be 2gether 4ever. Hint. THE LAST SENTENCE IS THE PASSWORD!

I promise to THINK about  sharing my  HBO Go and Amazon Prime passwords with you. But since I want us to be transparent and true, I probably won’t. How else am I supposed to order khetamine off the dark web, crap, I mean, ADDERALL off the dark web. ( I’m ordering both for US!)

I promise to binge all of our favorite television dramas by your side, and only look at memes about said television dramas while we are lying in bed together, looking at our phones.

I promise to make our Wifi password easy to remember (it’s our sex safety word), and not one of those hyper secure 38576lDXs8375 ones.

I promise to let you know what kind of porn I’m watching, so that you can also access the same porn on pornhub, should you want to.

I promise to charge our sex toys regularly, so they don’t die mid-use.

If I ever purchase a sex robot, ( I will be purchasing a sex robot) I promise to name it after you. ( I’ve already purchased a sex robot.)

I promise to love you in sickness, and in health, until death do us part.

And if you do die, I promise to keep your social media accounts active. Because I am caring, and I am also creepy.

Even when your dead, I promise to feature you in my Instagram story. (your posthumous, ghastly desperation is endearing.)

Even when your dead, I promise to always tag you.

Even when your dead, I promise to NEVER block you.

But like, are you really DEAD, if you still have social media? Not to me you’re not!

Anyway, LOVE U, let’s get hitched!




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