I Demand To See The 3,000 Puerto Ricans’ Long Form Death Certificates

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I have heard from an “extremely credible source” that the reports of deaths in Puerto Rico are a total fraud. Much like the “birth certificate” or “President” “Barack” “Obama” and the words of other people with skin tones darker than the “peach” crayon, these claims of mass deaths in the wake of a natural disaster must be treated with skepticism.

Yes, I was once a birther, and now, I am a deather.

If so many people died because of Hurricane Maria, then why hasn’t Mr. Maria been arrested for murder?

The people who went to school with these Puerto Ricans haven’t seen these alleged “dead people” in months. It’s crazy.

If they’re dead, then why haven’t they said so? Is it because they’re secretly Muslim?

Where are all these death certificates, issued by an authority we can trust? Documents produced by islands are notoriously untrustworthy and might as well come from Kenya.

I have people studying it, and you’ll never believe what they are finding—mostly because they aren’t finding anything when the island remains in ruins.

I will no longer apologize for taking the offensive and demanding these stone cold facts. If Democrats say that people died, we should investigate whether there were even people to begin with.

If there really were people, and they did actually die, it’s not because of Maria, but because of the government’s failure to provide assistance afterward so touché, Big Government Democrats. You might be the minority in the government, but minorities are responsible for all of this nation’s ills.

We must treat these claims with utmost scrutiny, because next thing you’ll know, people will be claiming that Puerto Rico is part of the United States.

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