Hey, coffee fans! By now I’m sure you’ve heard the BIG NEWS here at Starbucks: We’ve brought back the Pumpkin Spice Latte earlier than ever before! But what you might not know is that this is just the beginning, because today we’re proud to introduce The 2020 Pumpkin Spice Latte.
Now we know you might be wondering “how am I supposed to tell the difference between two different Pumpkin Spice Lattes?” Well don’t you worry, because the 2020 PSL is an entirely new Pumpkin Spice experience, re-imagined from the ground up to create the perfect blend of warm autumn flavors and horrifying proto-facism. Yes, from real pumpkin pie spices to the actual tears of children still separated from their parents at the border, the 2020 PSL is full of exciting new flavors you couldn’t even begin to imagine until it’s too late to stop it!
It all begins with the sweet, familiar flavor of pumpkin, but this time there’s a twist: The cinnamon has been freshly roasted by a massive wildfire in the Pacific Northwest and the signature Malaysian nutmeg has been deported and replaced with all-American mayonnaise. Served with your choice of real milk or globalist ANTIFA nut juice (available in Almond, Soy, and Cashew!), this rich, frothy latte is served steaming hot in a brand-new cup that already says “Merry Christmas” and “Happy Easter.” Plus the cup features a festive new red design that highlights the birth of Jesus on one side and his bloody crucifixion on the other!
Of course we here at Starbucks are as committed to the environment as we are committed to honoring the life of our nation’s founder, Jesus of Nazareth. That’s why every 2020 Pumpkin Spice Frappuccino is served in your choice of a new biodegradable paper bag or can be poured directly into your mouth while your barista dances on the bar (but please remember to tip your barista in the tip jar).
Now that your mouth is no-doubt watering for the 2020 PSL, you’re probably thinking “wait, what about the 2019 Pumpkin Spice Latte?” Well, guess what? We already introduced and discontinued that shit over the Fourth of July. Did you miss it? That’s okay, because it’ll be back in March of 2019, along with the special commemorative Putin/Trump 2024 commemorative PSL and an irradiated Peppermint Mocha from after the nuclear armageddon.
In the meantime, we know you don’t want to miss out on another latte opportunity, and that’s why we’re also announcing a new Starbucks Happy Hour promotion where you can get both the 2018 and 2020 Pumpkin Spice Lattes for one low price! Just order with the app after 3 PM on Tuesday or any time you’re beginning to feel the creeping sensation that these seasonal flavors are all a sham designed to prey on your borderline-compulsive nostalgia–– and you’ll get two lattes for the price of one! (Lattes must be grande or larger and must be consumed immediately so that everyone around you can watch.)
So stop by your neighborhood Starbucks, say hi to your local barista (do not expect a response), and no matter what you do never question the wisdom of drinking a 500 calorie beverage immediately after lunch!