Annual Holidays of the Diet Culture

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Like other cultures, the Diet Culture also celebrates a slew of annual holidays. From their own worship of the Summer Solstice to the invention of Acai, Dieters around the world gather globally to honor their culture.

 

  • SoulCycle’s 50%-Off Day: The first holiday of the year for the Diet Culture! On the 12th of January, SoulCycle offers classes at a discounted rate of $32. Obviously, the bikes fill up months in advance, and the true believers in Diet Culture celebrate by taking 8 classes in a row. Please do not wear Lululemons on January 12th unless you identify as a descendant of the tribe of Jenny Craig, or you’ll be appropriating Diet Culture.
  • The Oat Milk Shortage Vigil: On March 5, 2014, Whole Foods announced that we were suffering from a nation-wide shortage of Oat Milk. To honor this devastating event, every year on March 5th, Dieters bathe their firstborns in Oat Milk and light a candle for all those who lost their lattes on this dreaded day.
  • Birthday of the Thinner Woman Inside Of You: This is different for every member of the Diet Culture, but it’s celebrated each year on the day that you dropped 15 lbs overnight and realized you were finally ready for your life to start. Now, as a size 4, you are finally deserving of respect and self-love, and it’s time to celebrate! Festivities include looking at photos of cake on Pinterest.
  • Summer Solstice: On the summer solstice, June 21st, the natives Instagram a picture of a salad with watermelon in it to denote the start of the warm months. Then, anthropologists posit, they symbolically lick salt off each other’s fingers to remember what real food tastes like. These celebrations can often last until dawn as Dieters are unused to absorbing salt, and the water retention keeps them awake.
  • Summer Soulstice: Like the Summer Solstice except with SoulCycle!
  • The Invention of Acai: Believe it or not, we once lived in a world without acai. Back then, we thought ‘quinoa’ was a hard food to pronounce, but some among us suspected we could find a harder one. Then, a brave white woman stood up in her Allbirds said, “you know what? I’m going to speak truth to power and power to smoothies.” And so, on August 23, 2011, Gwyneth Paltrow emerged from her lab covered in crystals with jade eggs sprouting out her vagina and said, “I have it! I have the world’s most powerful food! Let them eat Acai bowls with granola and coconut yogurt, and let them know my name!” And so, she finally made her lasting legacy. On August 23rd, Dieters dump twice the acai (but half the pomegranate seeds to keep the calorie-count the same) into their morning smoothie.  
  • 4pm Every Day: Genuflection a.k.a. OWN reruns of Oprah.
  • The First Day of Beach Body Season: Beach Body season begins October 3rd when the Diet Culture starts talking about getting a Beach Body.
  • Halloween: Each year on Halloween (Hallow’s Eve), members of the Diet Culture mysteriously sneak away into the night. What are they doing? No one knows for sure, but sociologists believe they might eat a shitton of their children’s trick-or-treating candy and then ride the Elliptical of Shame until the dawn.
  • The Holiday-Season-Eve-Month: The American “culture” has a holiday season officially beginning on Thanksgiving. As we all know, Christmastime means a few added pounds no matter how much of your children’s Adderall you take. On the eve of Thanksgiving and for the entire month before then, Dieters prepare for the inevitable weight increase by fasting. For the month. No food, none. Zilch.
  • New Year’s Day: The most joyous day of the year! As the official end of the holiday season, New Year’s Day is both the end and the beginning of the Dieters yearly celebrations. All Dieters around the globe take part in the classic tradition of setting a ‘New Years’ Resolution’ to lose at least 8% of their body weight. New Year’s Day is the one Diet Culture celebration that the rest of western society takes part in — much like Cinco de Mayo or April Fools Day (the annual celebration of men), there are ways for everyone to celebrate the Diet Culture on New Year’s Day!

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