Hi I’m Matt

By Caitie Karasik

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Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com
Hi! I’m Matt. We’ve met.

I was in your Econ section freshman year. And I was your supervisor at your first job out of college even though we graduated the same year. Oh, and I was at your Bat Mitzvah! You had the biggest boobs in our class so you had to hike up your strapless dress all night. That was tight.

It’s possible that you don’t remember me. Either because you have about fifty other Matts in your phone or because I’m blindingly mediocre.

See, I don’t really like to “think” one way or another. Instead, I sort of feel it out, you know?

For example, if someone said, “Hey Matt, the bees are dying,” I’d say, “Word.” If someone said, on the other hand, “Hey Matt, bees make honey and honey isn’t vegan,” I’d be like, “Right on.” Know what I mean?

I’m not so much here with you right now as I am everywhere at all times, in the wind, a phantom of every man you’ve ever known and had to distinguish with a qualifier like “Matt S” or “Matt with the side part to the right.”

Ah, now I know why you’re confused. You’re mixing me up with that other guy in that other guy’s Tinder photo. That was Mat with one t. He’s European. Scandinavian? Whatever. Matthew (God I love that guy) met him at Semester at Sea.

No, I’m Matt. I’m not special but I stride confidently through the world as if I am. Or rather, I Bird confidently through the world as if I am.

When men started getting accused of rape and stuff, I called all my ex-girlfriends to make sure we were chill. You just don’t see other Matts doing stuff like that, now do you?

I think women are rad. I really do. Sometimes I’m talking to a woman and I’m looking in her eyes and I’m like, this girl is so smart, wow! I’m so attracted to intelligence that it doesn’t even matter that she’s not “classically pretty.” I would date her. I mean, I would date her. But I won’t.

I know myself. And I can’t right now.

Haha, wait, what’s this – I just found a copy of Catcher in the Rye in my pocket. Lol.

Since you’re asking, I guess my philosophy is this: I’m Matt. I’m. Fucking. Matt. Do you understand how powerful it is to be a Matt? A white Matt? People literally (literally literally) expect nothing of me. Did I mention I got a raise last week? I know! The truth is, you just gotta go for it, ask for what you want.

Shoot, that’s my Uber. Oh, why would you delete Uber, did something happen with Uber? That’s interesting. You’ll have to tell me more about that sometime.

Anyway, nice running into you! It’s Rachel, right?

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