I’m Not Depressed, I’m Just Watching All 156 Episodes of “The Good Wife” – Season 1

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Hello, friends! I know it’s been a while since any of you have seen me “IRL,” and I’m aware that my social media posts have become alarmingly existential as of late (# nothingmatters), so I just wanted to reach out and let you know that I’m fine! Everything is A-OK. I’m not depressed, I’m just watching all 156 episodes of The Good Wife.

Now you’re probably thinking “wow, 156 episodes? I didn’t know there were that many!” Or maybe you’re thinking “alone, Chris? You’re watching 156 hours of television alone?”

Well let me answer both of those questions with an enthusiastic “Yes!”

The Good Wife features seven seasons jam-packed with juicy drama, gripping court cases, and dynamic, engrossing characters who grow and develop in ways my real-life friends never will. Despite their scheming and backstabbing, these fictional lawyers are literally the only people I would ever consent to spending over 100 hours with.

But now that I’m 23 episodes deep, I wanted to take a moment to check back in with “reality” and share the important life lessons I’ve learned from Juliana Margulies, Mr. Big, and that tall guy from Sports Night (no, the other one).

The Good Wife: Season 1

First of all, I know I’m late to the party, okay? People have been telling me I should watch this show for years, but it’s always seemed too daunting a task. For years I’ve had too much to do and too many social commitments to even fathom 156 back-to-back episodes of television. Thankfully, that’s all changed.

And in case I ever forget how long it took me to finally start this show: The first season takes every opportunity to remind me that it’s early 2010, Barack Obama is President, America is getting woke, and that means everything is going to be A-OK! Naturally I find this aspect of the show equal parts intoxicating (see: The West Wing) and infuriating (see: Every waking moment of our lives now).

Anyway, most of the first season revolves around Alicia’s attempt to make her own life as a working woman–– despite having been out of the workplace for over a decade. Naturally the biggest challenge she grapples with is the incarceration and eventual release of her husband, the embattled State’s Attorney Peter Florrick (side note: I’m convinced this show is set in Chicago strictly so that they can constantly correct people who call him a District Attorney).

Peter resigned amidst a sex scandal that didn’t involve a single porn star, Playboy Playmate, or act of treason, so clearly this show takes place in a fantasy world where actions still have consequences. Peter was supposedly corrupt, but we’re quickly led to believe that the new State’s Attorney, Glenn Childs, is actually way more corrupt and needs to be stopped at any cost. It’s a dramatic twist, but as a native Chicagoan I can confidently say that it’s also the realistic part of the entire show.

Meanwhile, at work, Alicia is forced to compete with the whitest man alive (aka “Cary”) for the firm’s only full-time associate position, because apparently Lockhart/Gardner is constantly on the brink of financial ruin (which is probably why it feels so familiar and comforting to me). At first, Alicia is reluctant to use her husband and her connections to get ahead, but that would be a pretty boring show so you can guess about how long that lasts.

Ultimately both of the home life and work life plot lines make a lot more progress than I expected them to, culminating in (SPOILER ALERT): Cary’s departure from Lockhart/Gardner. The good news is he doesn’t go far, but I’m going to be honest: The new Evil Prosecutor Cary isn’t nearly as hot as original Mushroom-Tripping Cary. THERE I SAID IT.

Also Alan Cumming just sort of shows up and becomes a main character at one point. Like I’m not even sure anyone cast him or wrote a character for him–– it seems equally possible that he just walked on set one day and started talking. As such, I have some questions:

Just Questions About Eli Gold (aka Alan Cumming, but with a lot of hair):

  • How much does Eli Gold get paid to stand around the Florricks’ kitchen?
  • Does Eli Gold have any other clients?
  • How much time does Eli Gold spend in the kitchens of other clients?
  • How much time does Eli Gold spend hanging out with the spouses and elderly parents of his other clients?
  • If Eli Gold has all this time on his hands then why doesn’t he have time to get a haircut?

Additional Observations:

  • Josh Charles somehow manages to be both unconventionally attractive and conventionally attractive at the same time.
  • Who came up with the name Glenn Childs? Whoever it is has accidentally discovered the smarmiest name ever smarmed.
  • Alicia’s children are basically Nancy Drew and a Hardy Boy, but nobody will give them credit for their sleuthing! RUDE.
  • The way CBS handles same-sex kissing would be adorable if it wasn’t so homophobic.
  • A large portion of this show revolves around rationalizing a boss’s aggressive sexual advances towards his subordinate, so I can see why Les Moonves was such a big fan.

Well, that’s all for now! Please don’t try to call or write, because I’m going to be too busy watching season 2!

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