Write with Pens but Then Lose Them All

person holding black pen and book near pink ceramic mug
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A lot of people ask me what color ink I write in. This is because I’m a prolific writer and also because I usually have six or seven ink stains on my clothing at all time. But still – it’s important to write things with pens. In fact, you should only write with pens. The trick to being a pen-based writer is to acquire pens and then lose all of them. Then, you don’t have to write anything at all.

There are many benefits to writing only with pens and then losing them. First, you don’t have to carry a laptop around. This has serious ergonomic benefits, and I think any physical therapist would be very supportive. You won’t blow out your back in the highly unlikely event that you choose to walk somewhere. Second, you don’t have to worry about finding an outlet. This is a pro and a con because sometimes finding an outlet is my favorite activity and allows me to avoid human interaction, but also sometimes it’s annoying and pisses off bartenders. Third, and most importantly, you won’t actually have to write anything because you’ll lose your pen. This is not only very useful to you (you save a lot of time not writing), but also it’s enormously useful to anyone who might otherwise be subjected to your writing.

How do you lose a pen, you ask? There are many ways! In fact, can start losing pens as early as right now. You can lose it organically by using it and then leaving it somewhere, but that’s a lot of work, because you have to actually use the pen in the first place. I prefer to just pull mine out of my bag and throw it into the subway tracks for a rat to enjoy. You can also give it to a comic to sign up with at an open mic – you will never see that pen again. You could leave it up your butt but remember to take out after a few days. I’ve been told you can also eat them.

Yes, it takes some adjustment to get used to being a writer who writes only with pens but always loses them. However, over time, you’ll go through dozens and dozens of pens without writing a single coherent thought, and you’ll realize this is a much better strategy. You’re welcome.

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