Do you have a lot of single friends? Do those very same single friends incessantly talk about their Tinder/Bumble/Hinge/Trumble/Hinder/Binge matches as if you have a directory of anyone they’ve ever matched with on a dating app? And then do they get slightly miffed when you forget who the heck is who as if you don’t have your own dry spell to worry about?
Then we have great news! I TOTALLY REMEMBER is the memory app for you — this app pulls from your text messages and creates profiles for each of the dating app matches your friends discuss in painstaking, totally unnecessary detail with you. It saves screenshots and verbatim texts for you to refer back to on your phone when your friend brings them up IRL. The app even pays special attention to conversations where you only responded with messages like:
- “haha he sounds lame”
- “oo cute!”
while your friend launched into diatribes about someone he/she hasn’t even met in person yet!
You can search the database of I TOTALLY REMEMBER by name, by dating app, and by dick size (where applicable)! And don’t worry, the app knows the best way to sort all those Daves and Bens — we all know how much your roommate Trish loves a top-ten baby name from 1993!
Here’s an example — your friend Lindsay, who’s been working the dating apps since woke was just a way to describe being awake, launches into a story about Tom from Tinder. At first, you’re like “oh, wait, Tom who?” and then Lindsay’s like, “You know, Tom, the one who works for a bank but really wants to open his own brewery?” At this point, Lindsay will look at you expectantly and you will be forced to nod even though this detail sounds exactly like every single other person Lindsay has matched with on a dating app.
While Lindsay explains how she almost went on a date with Tom, but then didn’t, open I TOTALLY REMEMBER to find a detailed profile of Tom, including the six screenshots that Lindsay took of his Bumble profile and also a link to the blog he kept while he was abroad in Kenya his junior year of college. Lindsay didn’t send you the link to that blog, but she did text you many copy-and-pasted paragraphs of it while you were at work trying to finish a big project, and I TOTALLY REMEMBER is so smart that it found the link for you!
Now, you can have a believable retort prepared for when she finishes her three-minute long story, like “I totally remember him! What a nerd, he’s probably just insecure about that pornstache he’s trying out — which we can see from the progression of his dating profile pics that I’ve committed to memory and definitely didn’t forget about!”
Voila, you’re friend of the year!
Other special features of I TOTALLY REMEMBER include:
- A list of romantic comedies currently streaming on Netflix that will help you forget that your friends neglect your well-being in favor of deciding which dude in a flannel they want to fuck the most
- Pizza places in your area that can deliver within 30 minutes so you can eat your feelings of loneliness after I TOTALLY REMEMBER reminds you that Lindsay just matched with your co worker who you’re in love with on two different dating apps
- A hammer delivery service, in case you decide you want to smash your smartphone into little tiny pieces because fuck this and you really can’t imagine that Steve Jobs was aiming for you to need an app to remember all the people your friends might want to fuck that they met through another app?????????????
I TOTALLY REMEMBER is going to change your life, probably for the worse, but hey, it’s not like you’ve got anything else going on!