From the Day Planner of Count Dracula, a Super Great and Not Predatory Guy


May 5, 1897

Jonathan Harker arriving today—he is my guest who is free to leave at any time. Must ask him about things to do in England, like entering churches and looking at all the crucifixes, which I definitely have no problem with.

May 8, 1897

Reminder to do my best to be a good host to Mr. Harker. For instance, if he cuts himself shaving or something, I will swoop in right away to offer assistance. I might swoop so fast as to startle him, but he should not worry, as I will only be acting out of concern for his precious, precious blood. By the way, I have a reflection. Just mentioning that to make sure my day planner is as detailed as possible.

May 16, 1897

Today I will introduce Mr. Harker to some of my nice lady friends. They eat food, not children, so I will plan the menu accordingly.

June 30, 1897

Mr. Harker heading back home. This is completely unsurprising, since, as I said before, he was always free to leave, through the door and everything.

July 6, 1897

I set sail for England today. I notice that many of the crew members seem dissatisfied with working aboard this ship. I hope that none of them decides to steal a lifeboat and row off in search of other employment, all the while remaining very much alive. But if some of them go missing, that is probably what happened.

August 8, 1897

Docking in England today. I’m hoping to walk around outside, enjoying the sunlight and how it doesn’t set my skin on fire. But if I don’t get the chance, that will be because I have so much to unpack. For example, the many boxes of dirt I always bring with me, which is not a weird custom, although maybe it hasn’t caught on yet in England.

August 9, 1897

Very tired—going to go to sleep early, in a bed, after sundown. I hope there are no murders out there! That is something I say to myself frequently, because I think murder is terrible.

August 19, 1897

Expecting a visit from my friend Renfield, who runs errands for me sometimes—things like buying food, which I eat.

August 25, 1897

Will put up some bat boxes today. Bats are a useful species that eat mosquitoes and other pests, so when you see one, you should open your window.

September 2, 1897

Spending the rest of my trip staying in and relaxing with my Bible, so if anything strange happens nearby, I doubt I’ll have any information about it, because I will be so totally wrapped up in that Christian Bible, which I enjoy reading.

September 19, 1897

I hope there are no murders anytime soon! I hate murder so much.

October 5, 1897

Sailing back home. Too many strange things keep happening here, like people disappearing and wolves escaping from zoos and ladies sleepwalking all over the place. What is up with all of that? I have no idea, but if I did, I would for sure write about it extensively in my day planner. Keeping a complete and accurate day planner is a serious responsibility—that’s what I always say, along with saying how much I strongly dislike murder. So if anyone ever happens to read this, they will definitely be getting a faithful catalog of all my daily activities, and if anything is not listed here, then it is safe to assume I didn’t do it. That is how day planners work.

October 29, 1897

Ship docking today. Must purchase more toothpaste, but not because my teeth are stained with human blood. Because of other reasons.

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