Hello, I’m a plastic straw. Recently, Starbucks, Disney, and plenty of US cities have pledged to ban me completely. I’ll suck it up and admit I have flaws. I’m a little skinny. I bend over backward for people. And, I’m just spit-balling here, but I accidentally embedded myself in the nasal cavity and throat of a turtle, inhibiting its breathing and sense of smell, so that it couldn’t find food or even a mate. And I’m sorry! It really SUCKED! Ugh, sorry, I pun when I’m nervous.
I’m writing to ask a simple question: Don’t we have more important issues to worry about than me, a plastic straw?
I feel like I’ve been made into a scapegoat, nay a straw man, for all the evils of the world.
I’ll give an example. Actor Adrien Grenier, of “that guy from ‘Entourage’” fame, has been on a strangely personal crusade against me for years. In an interview with a New York Magazine writer, he said, “we consume 500 million straws each day. The equivalent of 127 school buses filled with straws. There should be children in those school buses, going to school, to learn, not straws.”
See? Now I’m being blamed for the American education crisis! Those are fake school buses. Adrien, you just made them up. That’s how metaphors work! Honestly, Adrien, you’re really grasping at me’s here.
New England Patriot Tom Brady recently posted on his Instagram, imploring people to “just say no” to me while glaring at me on camera. Well, perhaps, I’m more of a “patriot” than Tom because I remember the failed “Just Say No” campaign championed by Nancy Reagan in the 1980’s. Has Tom forgotten the immense harm that the drug war has done and continues to do to communities of color in this country? I, a plastic straw, certainly have not.
Patriotism aside, I know I’m losing this rhetorical battle. Recently, SeaWorld and an Eastern African branch of Al-Qaeda have pledged to ban all plastic products. I am in an argument with SeaWorld and Al-Qaeda and I’m losing. In a statement, the Al-Qaeda branch leader, Mohammed Abu Abdullah said that plastics “pose a serious threat to the well-being of humans and animals alike.”
That is really the last me! I don’t think I’m speaking out of turn when I say that Al-Qaeda has a few other issues to deal with that affect the well being of humans before me! I, a plastic straw, have never asked someone to kill or to die for my cause. And SeaWorld has definitely killed more turtles than I have! Again, I am so sorry!
With all these recent bans, in a few years, it’ll be harder to get me, a plastic straw, than an assault rifle in the United States. Guns enable staggering amounts of violence in this country and kill people. If you think about it, a gun is just a longer metal straw that really should be banned before me. I only shoot frapuccinos!
In closing, I’d like to say that by merely existing in this capitalist society, you’re already contributing to and complicit in the rapid degradation of the natural environment. Even by banning me completely, you couldn’t stop or even slow the ecological decline that wasteful corporations have pushed us into.
Honestly, how did I draw the short me here?
Not to mention that the majority of Flint, Michigan still doesn’t have clean drinking water. I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t mind drinking some out of me.
And I really am sorry about the turtle!