Hi, I’m Mary, and this is my column no one asked for about things I like!
Like most little girls, I wanted to be a ballerina. I quit when I was five or six, both because I was terrified of having to perform in the class recital and because, as a chubby little girl, ballet class involved too much standing for my chubby little legs. All I remember of my short time as a dancer is desperately wanting to sit for just a few minutes, the way I later discovered I could during softball games if I played right field. I also remember the time I tripped going up the steps to class and smashed my face into a concrete step. The only good thing I remember is, of course, the leotards.
I was the kind of child who should only be dressed in leotards: a round one. I think the only reason I even wanted to try ballet in the first place was so I could prance around in a pale pink, skintight leotard with my tummy sticking out, though as it turned out what I really wanted was to sit down in a pale pink, skintight leotard with my tummy sticking out. One of the many perks of being an adult is that I can now do just that whenever I want, though I no longer wear pink and I no longer wear leotards — I wear bodysuits.
What’s the difference? Leotards are for girls, bodysuits are for women. JK they’re pretty much the same thing. There is one key difference, however, between the bodysuits I wear today and the leotards of my youth, which is that those leotards required the one thing (besides stamina) I didn’t have as a child: bladder control. I had to take my leotard all the way off in order to go to the bathroom, and I often didn’t make it. All the bodysuits I wear these days, however, have snaps at the crotch so you can pee with your shirt on which, as someone who spends a lot of time in bars with untrustworthy locks on the bathroom doors, is important.
I love a bodysuit because I always tuck in my shirt. As a short, curvy woman, I have to highlight my waist, otherwise I look like a square with a head glued on top. While I like the look of a blousy shirt tucked in, it can get a little bulky. Even slim shirts can bunch in an unflattering way. Bodysuits, on the other hand, never bunch — except maybe this weird ass button-down one (what is happening over at J.Crew???).
A good bodysuit clings to the figure in the most flattering way and creates no extra bulk. Over the course of the past year or two, I’ve amassed a good little collection of five or six, most of which are from Madewell, though I have a striped one from J. Crew that’s nothing like the atrocity I linked to above. Wearing a bodysuit makes me feel like I never quit ballet and could do a pirouette (that’s a ballet thing, right?) at any time. It makes me feel like a Kardashian, but a classy one, like Kourtney. It makes me feel like I’m a 90s supermodel, except a foot shorter and 20 pounds heavier. Wearing a bodysuit makes me feel sexy (ugh, but it’s true!).
I’m normally averse to tight clothing, but the bodysuits I own are tight in the right way. They hold me in and show my shape without giving too much away. Like most women, I’m hyper-critical of my body, especially in photographs, but I’m always surprised when I see a photo of myself in a bodysuit. While a regular tight shirt might make my arms look fat or my torso thick, bodysuits are slimming in a way that makes me believe in magic.
Another thing I love about a bodysuit is that it adds an extra layer over my private parts. Though you don’t have to, I always wear underwear under a bodysuit because I like to feel as though my pussy is armored. I like knowing even the bravest knight would have to fight through three layers to get to my junk (though it’s not trash — it’s treasure!). In the winter, bodysuits are a good way to keep your pussy extra warm.
And in the summer, they’re a great way to let your titties out. This summer, I had bedbugs, which left me wanting to wear as little clothing as possible. Fortunately, I bought two summer bodysuits (this one in both colors) before the bedbugs, so I was prepared to ditch my bras and let my titties hang free in a form-fitting suit. I’m pretty sure you can see my nipples through that bodysuit, but that’s exactly the kind of thing I no longer give one flying fuck about post-bedbugs. I’m a woman and I have tits. If people can see them, that’s their problem, especially if they consider it a problem.
I’m broke but I recently made almost $800 selling my old clothes on Poshmark (people will buy anything — and give you a five-star rating for it), so I may allow myself to do a little shopping this fall. One thing I have my eye on is this velvet (!) bodysuit. The only other thing I have my eye on is a sweatshirt, which pretty much sums up my aesthetic. My ideal fall uniform consists of those two items paired with my beloved Levi’s Wedgies, of course, because what goes better with a bodysuit than a pair of high-waisted jeans? Overalls, that’s what!
Though I’ve come full circle on leotards, I’m no longer the little girl who wanted to sit in ballet class. For starters, I’ve overcome my crippling stage fright, though it took a couple more decades. Secondly, I’m no longer round (in the same places). One thing, however, remains the same: wearing a bodysuit still makes me want to dance — and I’d still rather do that while sitting down.
As always, I’d like to clarify that this is NOT a sponsored post. I received nothing for it and am pretty sure no one cares that I love bodysuits. Still, if anyone is reading and ever wants to give me literally anything for free, bodysuit or not, I WILL TAKE IT!!!!!!
Anyway, I hope this was helpful. I’ll be back with more unsolicited recommendations soon!