New York Woman Spends Weekend Commiserating With Girlfriends Over State Of Country While Husband Watches Kids

man carrying child
A dad struggling this past weekend

BROOKLYN, NEW YORK — A New York woman told her husband to take the goddamn kids this weekend so she could go to brunch with her girlfriends and throw back Bloody Marys while talking about the Kavanaugh hearing. Like most working mothers across the city, she always looks forward to spending the weekend with her kids — but after last week, she needed a fucking break. “I told my husband, ‘Listen Dave, it’s been a long week and I need to take some time to myself to get drunk and talk shit about men. So take Lily and Max to the park or something. Honestly, I don’t give a shit where you go, you all just need to leave me the fuck alone for a little awhile.'”

Citizens across the five boroughs report seeing a surprising number of dads out with their kids on Saturday and Sunday. “In my 10 years living in New York, I’ve never seen anything like it,” said one bystander. “The park was filled with them — dads alone with their kids. It was as if all the moms said they needed a fucking break to go talk about Kavanaugh with their girlfriends or something.”

Said one local, “I saw a dad running with his kids in a stroller, blasting Ariana Grande. It was pretty obvious he’d rather be running alone, listening to Ariana privately on his headphones, but it was nice to see a man raising his daughters right. I almost stopped and told him that, but I was on my way to meet my girlfriends for brunch so we could get drunk and talk about Kavanaugh and I was running late.”

While many women report thinking their husbands are “good dudes,” they also claim there are some things they “just don’t get.” “Of course I talked about the hearing with my husband, and of course he thought it was outrageous,” says the woman. “But it’s just not the same. He just doesn’t quite get it, you know? He couldn’t — he’s a fucking white man! I needed to talk to other women about this shit — over Eggs Benedict and seven mimosas.”

Apparently she wasn’t the only one. Restaurants around the city report having record crowds turn out for brunch on both Saturday and Sunday. “It was all women,” says a host at a popular Park Slope brunch spot. “In groups of four or five. And they drank a ton. It seemed like they had a lot to talk about.”

“At first it was exciting,” says a server at one Greenpoint restaurant. “We’ve never had such long lines for brunch, and it was all women, who generally tip better than men. But the problem was they just didn’t leave. I had one table — these women sat there for five hours, deep in conversation. I can’t imagine what they were talking about!” When asked if he watched the news this week, the (male, obviously) server said, “Nah. Why?”

As women across the city get ready to go back to work today, the woman claims she does feel slightly better after this weekend. “The world is still on fire, but at least I know, after talking to my girlfriends, that I’m not the only one who’s absolutely horrified.”

Says another woman who spent the weekend bitching and brunching, “It was good to vent, but now it’s like what fresh hell awaits us this week, you know? I already told my husband he may need to deal with the kids again next weekend because it seems like this bullshit is far from over.”

“I know it’s a difficult time for women, so I’m happy to babysit the kids,” says one dad. When asked what he means by babysit, he said, “Oh, I guess I mean parent the kids. I mean I’m happy to parent my own kids, if my wife really needs me to. But man — it’s a lot of work!”

Buckle up, dads. It looks like it’s going to be a busy fall.

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