Going to a wedding dateless can be a bit intimidating. You are walking into a ceremony that juxtaposes a loving couple, publicly committing to one other for life, with you, alone, suffocating on your own loneliness.
But you can write your own narrative! Here are some fun ways to distract everyone–including yourself!–from the crushing anxiety about being the last of your friends to still be single and the fears of dying alone and being eaten by your cats.
- Make an entrance. Arriving fashionably late to the ceremony will deflect any hints of desperation related how dateless you are. The best time to walk down the aisle is after the last bridesmaid, but of course before the bride.
- Trip. If you’re lucky, some Crossfit hunk will have quick enough reflexes to catch you. According to every rom com, after you pull this off, the two of you will fall in love.
- Trip again! But this time make sure there is no one near to catch you. When you fall, slice your foot on a nail protruding from the rustic barn that doubles as a reception venue thanks to Pinterest. Don’t bother to bandage up your open wound. Nothing turns more heads than leaving behind a fresh trail of blood.
- Faint. This way people will be concerned with your health, not your relationship status. And as an added bonus, people will be, like, begging you to eat their cake.
- Get on stage with the band to show your spontaneous side! Steal a microphone when they start singing Whitney Houston’s “I Wanna Dance with Somebody”. It doesn’t matter that you only know the chorus–everyone’s gonna love it!
- Wear a color and material that is favorable to showing sweat stains. Then get on the dance floor and shake your groove thing! After all the dancing you’ve done, men will be drawn to start conversations with you, fascinated to learn that “boob sweat” is a thing.
- If you aren’t naturally sweaty, wear white instead.
- Give a toast to the happy couple! Even if you weren’t asked to give one. Repeat how all you want in life is the kind of love that the happy couple has and ask rhetorically why you are still alone.
- Bring a dog. People LOVE dogs!
- Catch the bouquet. You are a good three feet taller than the flower girl so she doesn’t really stand a chance.
- Don’t book a hotel room. Hey, just because you came alone doesn’t mean you have to leave alone. The risk of being without shelter all night is the perfect motivation to make sure you hit it off with another stag wedding attendee.
- If it’s a full moon, turn into a werewolf. Everyone will be like, “Woah! Didn’t see that coming!”