Reasons Gwyneth Paltrow Didn’t Invite Me To Her Wedding

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We don’t know each other.

I can’t afford Stella McCartney.

I’ve never won an Oscar.

I’ve never even been nominated for an Oscar.

She knows about my ongoing feud with Jessica Seinfeld (Jessica, on the other hand, does not know about it).

I don’t summer in the Hamptons.

Apple wouldn’t respect me.

I’ve never been a dinner guest of the Hill-McGraw’s.

She’s jealous (of me, in case that wasn’t clear).

Sometimes I eat white rice and — even worse — cheese.

I don’t have a jade egg, or even a rose quartz egg.

Cameron Diaz was there so she didn’t need me.

When Beyonce and Jay Z sent their regrets, she realized she had to pare down the guest list and pretend she wanted a small wedding with just a few close friends in attendance.

We are not close friends.

We have never met.

She was worried I would upstage her.

I’m poor.

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