Glossier To Release A New Face Wash That Won’t Cleanse You Of The Guilt You Feel For Your High School Principal’s Death But Will Help With Blackheads!

woman in red tank top
Photo by Thierry Fillieul on

Glossier, the skincare and makeup brand of choice for every white girl at your liberal arts college, has finally released a new face wash! Meant to fight acne and prevent clogged pores, this cleanser is sure to find a place in your daily skin routine. Unfortunately, it won’t get rid of the shame and guilt you’ve carried with you for the last five years since they found the pale, withered corpse of your high school principal by the river, but hey! Look at the bottle! It’s minimalist!

Glossier has managed to create a beautiful, all-natural cleanser that removes dirt and grime without stripping the skin of its natural oils. It’s meant to keep you looking fresh and full of life, unlike how your high school principal looked on that fateful August night. He looked so dull, so empty. You don’t want to look like that, do you? That’s why you need this cleanser! It’s just jam packed with tons of ingredients you’ve never heard of, but because it’s Glossier, you’re going to assume that it’s organic. I bet it has coconut oil in it! That’s good for your skin, right?

Most breakouts are caused by stress, and I bet you’re under a lot of it after they called the entire student body into the auditorium right before your graduation and told everyone what happened to Mr. Clemons. That’s why this Glossier cleanser is formulated to help get rid of those pesky blackheads that just keep popping up! After a few days of using this I bet no one will even be able to tell that you spend your nights lying awake wondering if it was your principal’s screams that you heard the night before you found his body.

Just because you still can’t wipe the image of your principal’s obituary from your memory doesn’t mean you shouldn’t wipe all your makeup off at the end of the day. Besides, you know you couldn’t do anything to help him, so why do you still feel guilty? You should really see a therapist, or move to a new city. But you know you aren’t going to do that, so instead blow $35 on 1.7 oz of unscented natural cleanser and hope that fixes it. (It won’t!)

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