Things My Health Insurance Really Should Cover as “Preventative Care”

relaxation is the best preventative care there is!
  • Nutritionists: This one is obvious. I’m not going to figure out that Chipotle gives me gas on my own!
  • Massage therapists: Back pain for the rest of my life? That sounds like a painkiller addiction waiting to happen. Plus, I need to kill 45 minutes before this movie.
  • Gym memberships: Um, 90% of Americans don’t exercise enough, and have you ever tried the moisturizer at Equinox?
  • Kombucha: Gut much? Kombucha is good for you — I don’t really know how, but I know that a lot of skinny people drink it, so it must be good.
  • Ubers: Do you know how many people die every year from falling in the subway tracks?
  • My phone plan: I rely heavily on texting for emotional support
  • Nail polish: If I paint my own nails, I don’t have to get a manicure, and those manicurists all get lung disease from the polish! So this is preventative for other people because I am a #hero.
  • This bottle of wine: Do you have any idea what alcohol does to the body? Oh, sorry, I meant stress.
  • My Netflix subscription: Every hour I spend watching Netflix is an hour I don’t spend doing dangerous drugs — have you ever thought of that, Medicaid? Plus, I need to watch Grey’s Anatomy so I stay confident in the ability of surgeon’s to cure me of magical diseases.
  • This dog: No, I didn’t have to pay a stranger to pet their dog, but in many ways, I should be getting paid for looking out for my emotional well-being.
  • A first-class ticket to Hawaii: Vacation is one of the healthiest things we can do, according to my Insta feed! And coach? What if I fall asleep and my neck gets sore, and then I need a lobotomy? No thank you! Also, I really assumed having United Healthcare would sort of do me some favors in terms of getting a United Flight.
  • Election interference: Look, if the Russians can afford, so can Kaiser! So many people are dying because of Republicans — can someone who cares about our well-being please step in?
  • My rent: Health starts in the home.

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