Are you an adult woman trying to take charge of your sexual health? Gross! If society has taught us one thing it’s that our bodies are complex examples of hundreds of years’ worth of inherited social and gender biases. Thanks to early childhood development and falsely constructed definitions of sex, you probably have a lot of subconscious shame- don’t worry, we’ve got you covered!
Using methods like deflection, teamwork, theft, and downright blatant lying, you’ll learn how to hide your condom purchase in no time!
- Buy a ton of other things so it looks like you’re just stocking up. Hey, isn’t it weird you’re buying crunchy peanut butter? Let’s pay attention to that! Try pointing at all the objects on the counter except the condoms as if you’re teaching a toddler who has yet to develop object permanence.
- Say it’s for a friend. Are you a bad feminist if you throw your friend under the bus? Maybe, but you’re panicking! Remember to let the cashier know that your friend Bianca is a real slut-bag, and these are for her. There’s a lot to unpack there!
- Pay someone on the street to buy condoms for you. That nice man babbling about the demise of the universe outside the Chick-Fil-A can probably help you! Be careful, though, because talking to men on the street can be dangerous. Thanks, double standards!
- Pretend you’re a tourist from abroad and thought you were buying a tiny raincoat for your pet mouse, Sebastian. Aww! Pets are the cutest! Throw in words like “bonjour” and ask where the library is to make it seems like you’re confused!
- Make it look like you’re robbing the pharmacy to distract the cashier from your purchase! When it comes down to revealing your innermost desires for lust or spending five years in the federal prison system, it’s a simple choice! At least you’ll be locked up with all your dignity, just like the virgin Mary was in the prison of her own mind and body. When the police come, snag the box and run like the wind.
- Use hypnotism and age-old witch magic to convince the cashier that she’s the one buying condoms. Remember the Salem Witch Trials where they burned women at the stake for having PMS? Yeah, that’s part of the historical and societal weight you still have to carry today- let’s utilize it! What? It’s not your fault that a spirit larger than both of you lured the cashier into the family planning aisle.
- Pretend to take a phone call so you don’t have to acknowledge the retail worker. You’re a very busy working lady in a big rush! Say stuff like, “I simply will not sign that document, Alfred” or use fancy words like “chaise lounge”. Are these condoms for a work event? You’re too distracted to answer! Plus, since we all know women can’t have kids and a career, you get a free pass for this one!
Thanks to these valuable skills, you’ve now gained all the knowledge to go out into the world and tackle (or avoid) highly politicized gender-related issues, like the governance of your own body and choices! And remember, if all else fails, don’t buy condoms at all! You can always just make him pull out or something. It’s better to be safe than sorry.
Tune in next time for: How to Buy Plan B without Being a Filthy Homewrecker!