Meet the New Bureau Responsible for Investigating Kavanaugh: The Dresser In My Bedroom



The FBI was wholly ineffective at conducting its probe into Brett Kavanaugh. Classmates from Yale who claim they can corroborate Deborah Ramirez’s story aren’t being interviewed by the FBI, which I think is really unfair. Sure, some of those classmates are probably just doing it for political reasons and/or to meet a cute FBI agent, but others are merely interested in presenting the truth. The Federal Bureau of Investigation has really slacked, so I’ve decided to appoint a different bureau to investigate Kavanaugh: the dresser in my bedroom.

The dresser in my bedroom has a number of qualities that make it an ideal investigator. For one thing, it’s non-partisan. It’s never registered with either the Democratic or the Republican parties, despite my best efforts to convince it to support Hillary. The only time it ever leaned left is when one of its legs broke, but I propped it right back up with a book and it was a centrist once more. Not only is my dresser non-partisan, it’s also not an elitist. How many FBI agents do you think were so impressed that Kavanaugh “got into Yale” that they didn’t even bother questioning him? My dresser didn’t even give a yawn of interest when I set Infinite Jest on top of it 3 years ago (I had strategically placed it there for a male caller to see), so it’s definitely not giving Kavanaugh a free ride.

The dresser in my bedroom also does not accept outside donations. I’m not sure if the FBI does either, but it seems like they would. Even when I discard spare change in my dresser and I assume it’ll keep a few dimes as a tip, it doesn’t. It just leaves them there for me to joyously find 13 years later. No political lobbies are going to sway my dresser, unlike the crooked FBI.

Furthermore, my dresser is made up of a bunch of components that can aid in the investigation. Not to brag, but I have like 6 drawers. Each of these can interview up to 3 people, which means we’ll talk to more than just Brett Kavanaugh’s boy-band from high school. I’m sure a lot of people work for the FBI, but do any of them keep my sweaters from getting mothballs? To be fair, my dresser doesn’t either, but at least it’s offered to try. The FBI barely tried at all – they didn’t even interview Kavanaugh!!

Finally, and perhaps most importantly, Susan Collins said my dresser was “nice”, which means maybe she’ll actually trust it when it says what we all already know, which is that Brett Kavanaugh is a lying piece of shit.

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