A Freelancer’s Financial Planning Questionnaire

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We all know the cost of living is on the up and up. Fortunately, because I’m a freelancer, I know exactly how much my time is worth hourly, so I can make sound financial decisions. Here’s a little peek into the budgeting questions I ask myself:

  • Should I get that chai latte? A grande chai latte costs $5, equivalent to ⅓ of a 30-minute dog walk. I’d either have to walk a dog for 10 minutes or walk ⅓ of a dog for 30 minutes. Honestly, walking ⅓ of a dog sounds like a nightmare because it’d probably never poop, and then I’d be guilted into waiting forever for the dog (doglette? Dog-piece? dog-third?) to take a shit. Passing on the latte.
  • Should I take an Uber home? An Uber home costs $12 right now. $12 is about ¼ of a marketing article (or 200 words) for some tech company’s website. It would probably pay more except I exclusively write for the type of hot, new startups that don’t yet own desks or employ women full-time. The problem with getting paid for my writing is that, of course, I have to spend the entire amount when I’m told I’ll get paid, when the article comes out, and when my check arrives, so by the time I get paid I’m already in debt. Eh, I guess I’ll take the G. See you at home in 4 hours.
  • Should I get my bangs trimmed? Nah, I can trim my own bangs. The Ramona Quimby look is in now anyway.
  • Should I pay rent this month? Rent is $1200. I’d have to babysit for 60 hours. 60 hours of babysitting means I’ll get vomited on 8 times but I’ll also get paid to watch about 70 hours of television (I’m efficient – don’t worry about it). Still, as a freelance writer, I’ve obviously watched literally everything on Netflix. Passing on paying rent this month. Because I have no other options and the economy is so rough and I’m trying so, so, so hard, I think I would be justified in asking my parents for money.
  • Should I donate money to Planned Parenthood? Planned Parenthood is an extremely important organization. I should probably give them $50. $50 is 1/1000th of the advance on a book deal I will probably get in either one month or never. I’m banking on one month — all I need is an agent, publisher, idea, work ethic, desk, pencil, and about 3 months worth of Adderall. I’m going to donate to Planned Parenthood now, especially because this guy I want to bang has made it his birthday fundraiser on Facebook and I want him to notice me. Not all heroes wear capes, ya know? Venmo requesting rent from my mom.
  • Should I get healthcare? LOL. I have Band-aids and TUMS — I am good to go.
  • Should I tip? Honestly, who even knows how to tip. I’m so bad at calculating thing
  • Should I take an Uber now that I know the G isn’t running? Obviously.
  • Should I pick a quarter up off the sidewalk? I don’t want to risk it being a different currency. Plus I’m wearing a very short skirt.
  • Should I pay taxes? No – taxes are a huge scam. Last year my friend told me when you pay taxes you get money back from the government, so I filed taxes with all 59 of my freelancer W-2s, and you know what? They told me I owed $2,500 in taxes. So no – I’m never making that mistake again. It’s a Ponzi scheme, ok??
  • Can I live off free samples alone? At least I’ll be skinny. And I think some of the food is fresh.
  • Should I text my ex? Texting my ex comes with a cost of about $40 because when he doesn’t respond I’m going to need to get cocktails with the girls. $40! That’s my whole Venmo balance! I’ll never make that back! Not worth it. Or I could stay home and watch Netflix and drink two-buck chuck. Much cheaper, but I’ve seen everything on Netflix. I’m a freelance writer!! Texting ex not worth it.
  • Should I go to therapy? Why would I go to therapy? I’m doing FINE. Did you see me just very wisely decide not to text my ex?

And they say freelancers don’t make enough to survive in NYC! All you need to do is think through your financial decisions very carefully, and try, if at all possible, to have rich parents.

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