Homemade Halloween Costumes That Say, “ I Just Escaped From a Sex Cult.”

downloadHalf Eaten White Robe 

Sorry I’m late to this Halloween Bash. No, no, I’m not a fallen angel. Good guess though haha! I just escaped from the Appalachian sex cult. If you’re wondering if those are teeth  marks on my dirty toga, they are. Getting bitten by God, I mean, Randy, was one of the paths toward enlightenment. Anyway what are we drinking?

Plastic Dress, Tits Out

Twin Peaks who? No I am not dressed as “Laura Palmer.” I’ve been in the infamous North Carolina sex ring, “Southern Self Improvement,” for twenty years now!  Our sex god leader Jebediah had a plastic fetish. I’m not quite used to wearing non-plastic dresses yet, you know? Anywho, I haven’t eaten in a month. Is that candy corn?

Skin-Tight Unitard & a Purse Made of Iron Cords

Omg, guess what I am! Ex-convict? No. Sadistic alien? Nope! Stylish mental patient? Silly billy, NO! I’m a former member of a contortionist sex cult! I’m pretty flexible, but according to Leo, leader of “Benders Anonymous: A 12 Step Path to Spiritual Flexibility,” (whose urethra turned out to be the source of universal love), I’m not as flexible and dexterous as Jenny, Lucy, Cassandra, Mary, Meghan, Nikki, Bridget, Stacey, Helga, Olga, Brianna, or Penelope. Thank you, I like my iron cord bag too. When life gives you iron cords, make a controversial purse out of them to cope with all the abuse! Haha, is this an IPA? Happy day of the dead!

Long Black Cloak and Phallic Mask

No, no, no I’m NOT dressed as Tom Cruise in Eyes Wide Shut. I brought this cloak and penis mask from home. (Home is a room in halfway house, if you were curious, since I’m trying to reintegrate myself into society after being trapped in a sex castle in Maine with the “Genitalia Duchesses,” for nine years!) God, I love this creepy music! It’s called “EDM” did you say?

Pigtails and Floral Floor-Length Dress 

I know I look like a sister wife from that TLC show, but if we’re gonna get technical, I’m actually referred to as “Pippilongstocking Ho #18” by Chad, my former husband/spiritual leader. But those days are over. I’d take out these pigtails but I wasn’t allowed to shower for four years while living/fucking in a corn maze, and I don’t think you want to see my hair down. Do you guys wanna play seven minutes in heaven’s gate? Haha, cult joke! See, I’m with it!

Unabashed Nudity

Oopsie daisie, I literally JUST left my sex cult, “Hot Bodies in the Woods,”  and didn’t have time to put on clothes. Are clothes something I’m….supposed to wear? Oh who cares, let’s DANCE!






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