So you just went on a cleanse, and now you’re lost. All of a sudden, you feel your body full of disgusting, unnatural cleanses. Now, you need to know how to restore peace in your body by getting back all those toxins you lost. Here are tips for any type of cleanse.
- Juice cleanse: So you’ve been juicing for 3 days. Good for you! It’s hard to only eat fast food at night. But to restore equilibrium in your body, you need to take those juice bottles, fill them with milkshakes, and pour them backgrounds down your throat without taking time to swallow. There’s no time to waste!
- Digital Detox: So you haven’t used your phone in a week. Well, the good news is that your friends probably texted a lot in the beginning but then completely gave up on you as a person, so now you don’t have friends! That’s a lot less texting. Still, to re-acclimate yourself to life with a phone, there’s only one solution – when you get back on your phone, stick it up your butt. Phone sex is fun!
- No-alcohol Cleanse: Several weeks without alcohol is a real shock to the system. The only way to restore balance is to drink an entire bottle of nail polish. You will have to go to the ER, but there are hot doctors there so don’t worry.
- Vegan Cleanse: No animal products for a month? Wow, your bones must not be thanking you. In the days after a vegan cleanse, your body will be crying out for animals to rid yourself of the kale, and the only solution, I’m sorry to say, is to eat an animal alive. It doesn’t have to be a big one but, yes, it doesn’t have to be an animal you have a prior relationship with.
- Gluten-free, Dairy-free, Sugar-free, Caffeine-free, Enjoyment-free Existence: Girl, the only way to get over this cleanse is to literally do so much cocaine that you die. I’m sorry, but if you’ve been that clean for that long, you just won’t restore balance any other way.