Broke Ass Goop: Eat Your Plastic Surgery

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This week, Goop is all about expensive skincare, expensive clothing and expensive dietary supplements. Apparently, collagen isn’t just something you’re supposed to put in your mouth, it’s something you’re supposed to put in your mouth. Like eat it. They want you to eat it. If you, however, can’t afford to put collagen anywhere near your broke ass body, I have some cheap suggestions for how to get that Goop glow on a budget! Tip number one: be Blythe Danner’s daughter.

x

M.C.

BEAUTY

Ask GP: Makeup-Free Selfie?

Goop Recommendation: This interview with Gwyneth is a convenient excuse to publish a compliment from a reader on her youthful, glowing skin. GP credits genetics, then shills this $125 Goop brand Exfoliating Instant Facial.

Cheaper Alternative: If you can’t afford Goop’s skincare, just accept that you’re not the progeny of Blythe Danner and are therefore doomed to put on makeup before taking selfies for the rest of your miserable, dull-skinned life, you asshole.

 

WELLNESS

The Illusion of Beauty

Goop Recommendation: This is a typical Goop piece that starts by pondering the concept of beauty but quickly segues into advice for resisting the urge to buy a Picasso.

Cheaper Alternative: It shouldn’t be that difficult to not buy a Picasso.

 

WORK

Noticing — and Correcting — Mouth Breathing

Goop Recommendation: Goop has once again filed advice for raising the perfect child under “work.”

Cheaper Alternative: Just let your kid be a mouth breather. They usually become engineers.

 

FOOD

Three Delicious Ways to Get More Collagen into Your Diet

Goop Recommendation: Put collagen powder in your bone broth and eat it for breakfast.

Cheaper Alternative: If that sounds weird and gross, I have a cheaper weird and gross idea: make out with Jonathan Cheben. You’ll undoubtedly end up ingesting some of the collagen in his lips.

 

STYLE

Three Ways to Master the One-Minute Outfit

Goop Recommendation: Simplify your life by spending $8,211 on one outfit. That’s not an arbitrary number — it’s the actual sum total of the second outfit in this article.

Cheaper Alternative: Buy cheap ass clothes and learn how to put them on your body in less than a minute. Congrats, you’re now a style master.

 

TRAVEL

Leaf-Peeping Season in the Berkshires

Goop Recommendation: Goop editor-in-chief Danielle Pergament just moved to L.A. and misses her cabin in the Berkshires because “There’s something about the Berkshires that attracts people with great taste; a cool, bohemian bent; and world-class culinary skills.”

Cheaper Alternative: I’m from the Berkshires and though I do have great taste, the rest of this is a LIE. While she recommends fancy tourist traps like Blantyre, the only way to truly enjoy the Berkshires is to go to your dad’s house, wear the same outfit for several days, DO NOT SHOWER and watch a lot of TV while eating snacks you bought during your one trip into town to go to the grocery store. Also, visit your grandma. She’s wonderful.

 

SHOP

GoopGenes Marine Collagen Superpowder

Goop Recommendation: Spend $95 on 30 packets of this birthday cake flavored collagen drink.

Cheaper Alternative: That sounds only slightly less disgusting and way more expensive than making out with the foodgod, right?

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