I know I don’t give y’all – that’s right, I say “y’all” now – a lot of updates, and that’s not a mistake. You’re not really supposed to know I exist, and you know what? Maybe I don’t.
But this you can believe: I’m fresh off a 14-day silent retreat in like, the absolute nicest part of Heaven – you can’t even imagine, I am legitimately so #blessed – and My yogi has lead Me to the discovery that’s it’s high time to account for My sins.
Yes, My sins. It doesn’t matter that I’m technically in charge here. The fish rots from the head, right? And I’m feeling really kind of shitty about, like, a lot of stuff, so I need to make an announcement that all y’all are gonna hear loud and clear.
I know times are hard, and I’m not even going to promise to make it better. Technically I guess I could try? My history of well-intentioned major backfires resulting in more suffering, death, and destruction is long, though, so I think it’s best just to let things lie.
I have so much to repent for, I’m going to have to pare it down so We’re not sitting here all week. Let’s do, like, the top ten things keeping Me up at night and giving Me daily anxiety, shall We:
Mosquitoes. What was I thinking, seriously?
Ebola. If I’m honest, that was done in anger.
Black licorice. It’s nasty, don’t tell Me any different. Plus, did you know if you’re over 40 and eat two ounces of this crap every day for two weeks, go ahead and drive yourself to the ER because you may have developed an irregular heart rhythm? WTF?
Cancer. Sometimes a pointed message from Me, but admittedly a heavy-handed one.
The Trump family. I really DO care about this shit, doesn’t everyone?
Komodo dragons or honey badgers. Both mean little gremlins, take your pick.
Floods. Have been useful in the past, but I realize now how pretty uncool they are.
Brown marmorated stink bugs. I don’t even know what to say.
The entire cast of “Jersey Shore.” Never forget.
Tobacco. Humans have done an admirable job mitigating here…but then again, Juul? I’m like the original Millennial here, so trust me: you will regret.
And those are just the things off the top of my head for which I can’t plausibly deny responsibility. I’m really, deeply sorry. It’s all My bad.
So that’s My stuff, but pretty much everything done in My name is also a big bummer, and I’m not gonna allow it anymore by keeping quiet and staying put.
I’ve been an enabler because I wanted so desperately to keep My job. But that ends now.
Effective immediately, I’m leaving the church.
That’s right, y’all. I’m done.
I’ve reached saturation with priests torturing children, politicians quoting My book to justify removing kids pretty long-term from their already suffering parents, individuals the world over killing themselves and loads of innocent others, all while yelling “God is great!” I’m not so great, you guys. Neither are you.
To be clear, I’ve been no saint in My personal life. Those who know Me well will remember the whole “Yahweh or the highway” phase, and I’m also not proud of what I did to Mary. Our son turned out pretty well, but the circumstances of conception were pretty eff’d up.
I’m going to go ahead and call on all My fellow Gods – You know who You are – to follow my lead. If We, the Omnipotent don’t stand up for what’s right, who will? And it’s too late for updated holy texts, miracles, or divine punishment. It’s time for empty apologies and exits.
Humankind can go it alone. Like any good parents, we’ve got to set them free and hope for the best, especially since we’ve never been sterling examples of, like, how not to be a sociopath. But truly, I fear, only extraterrestrial life or benevolent AI can save the people at this point.
In the meantime everyone needs to go get some hobbies. Don’t forget your art, music, minds, and bodies! Enjoy the objectively amazing world I built for you, instead of doing your best to extinguish it and each other, maybe.
So what am I gonna do now? Good question. With all that I’ve seen and done, there’s only one thing that makes any sense: author. Of Star Wars fan fiction.
Get ready for some major complicated father/son relationship tropes. It’s going to be terrifying.
See y’all on the other side.