Personality Kits for Sale

woman looking sideways beside white steel pole
Photo by Adrienn on

Being a human with a brain and a job and responsibilities and emotions is hard. But why waste years on self-analysis and self-discovery when you can just buy stuff? Check out these great personality kits that you can mold your life around.

Don’t Talk to Me Before I Drink My Coffee

Turn your crippling caffeine dependence into a cute personality.

Kit Includes:

•      A mug that says “But First… Coffee”
•      That really great dark roast coffee that you read about in that Buzzfeed sponsored post
•      An extremely complicated pour over coffee brewer that you’ll try to use once, get frustrated, smash against the wall, and still brag about to your coworkers

Just Adopted a French Bulldog

Get ready for a future of respiratory problems, hip dysplasia, cherry eye, and joint problems.

Kit Includes:

•      Matching dog and human pajamas
•      35K Instagram followers
•      “Who rescued who?” bumper sticker even though we all know you spent $3,000 on that little gremlin

Liking a TV Show or Movie

Do you like a TV show or movie? Great! You’re halfway to having a personality.

Kit Includes:
•      Your mom’s Netflix AND Hulu password
•      The right opinion about the TV show or movie and the knowledge that anyone who disagrees with you is wrong
•      A ticket to Comic Con and a spot in line to ask a question that’s more of a comment to your favorite celebrity

Inspirational Quotes Personified

This package is excellent for people who call themselves an entrepreneur because they work for Postmates, love spouting clichéd wisdom on Facebook, and never miss a #MotivationMonday.

Kit Includes:
•      Remedial photo editing knowledge
•      Book of quotes by Albert Einstein, Marilyn Monroe, and Anonymous
•      A forced smile and dead eyes in every selfie


sports, sports, sports, spORTS, SPORTS, SPORTSORPORT, SPORTS!!!!!

Kit Includes:
•      Infinite knowledge of stats about every sport
•      A dad to play catch with
•      $7 hot dog

Wine Mom

You don’t need kids to be a wine mom. All you need is the desire to drink a lot and the money to buy a shit-ton of wine.

Kit Includes:
•      Over-sized wine glasses, like a gallon or two
•      A fun t-shirt that reads, “It’s Wine O’Clock” to wear to your book club meeting
•      LOTS O’ WINE




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