Get to know the men in your life a little better! (Especially before you get to know them a lot better.)
How long have you known him?
A. My whole life. He’s harmless.
B. About four years. I trust him completely.
C. We met yesterday. I think he’s my mailman?
D. We met at an underground speakeasy seven months ago, he was wearing suspenders.
When he takes you out, what does he plan for the evening?
B. We like to go to the movies sometimes.
C. Maybe a mail convention? This is completely hypothetical, I know almost nothing about the United States Parcel Service. Also he’s like 70 so if he asked me out I’d probably vomit.
D. Tonight he has tickets for us to go to a staged reading of Roxane Gay’s twitter feed. Things like that.
In his free time, he…:
A. …is into some combination of blunts, Fortnite, and pro wrestling.
B. …has been very into woodworking lately. He made me this intricate jewelry box for our anniversary this year!
C. …delivers mail?
D. …reads intersectional feminist literature and is very into home-brewing. Seriously, the IPAs he makes are surprisingly high-quality. Like, I don’t enjoy them, but that’s probably because I don’t have a sophisticated palate.
______ is his hero:
A. Louis C.K., but only artistically. Which makes it okay, right?
B. Captain America.
C. Cal Ripken, maybe? I mean, who do old guys in nonthreatening uniforms idolize?
D. Fran Lebowitz.
What’s his favorite movie genre?
A. Anything starring Jason Statham.
B. Horror/action/comedy. He’s an easy grader!
C. I don’t know mail so I’m gonna go ahead and say Pixar films? Everyone loves Pixar films.
D. Um, he prefers to read.
What’s the deal with you two, anyway?
A. We’re just friends.
B. We’ve been a couple for a little over three years.
C. Again, just met yesterday.
D. He opened my eyes to ethical non-monogamy, so we have this wonderful emotional connection, but we’re both free to sexually explore on our own, too. Which I don’t really do. But definitely not because I want to be monogamous.
What’s his favorite thing about you?
A. Tits. I have ‘em.
B. My casserole. I make a mean casserole!
C. I mean. I’m pretty good at using the correct postage.
D. He says the first thing that drew him to me was my intelligence, and how I wasn’t afraid to speak my mind. Also, he got real giddy that time I referred to myself as “sex-positive.”
Have you guys fucked?
A. A few times, randomly. But like, usually our dynamic is more bro-ish.
B. Yes, on a fairly consistent basis for the past three years. Though we prefer to call it “making love.”
D. Yeah! He’s so sweet and woke. Like, he’s a feminist to the point that he gets mad if I don’t want him to go down on me.
Would you trust him alone in a dark room with a very drunk female?
A. I honestly hadn’t ever thought about that.
B. The only reason he would be in a dark room with a very drunk female is if my sister Karen was staying with us again. I don’t handle that stress well.
C. I mean, he seems harmless? Plus I think he’s technically a government employee, so, he has to be trustworthy. I trust him with my mail?
Definitely. Also, it seems like you have very poor taste in friends.
You’re in a long-term, trusting, committed relationship. Congrats, you found one of the good ones! Still yes.
It’s a little weird that you took this quiz and decided the best subject was your new mailman. Regardless, yes!