Alternative UTI Cures

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Everyone knows UTIs are terrible, but dear god, how do you make them stop? When the usual advice isn’t working, here are some alternative tips!

  1. Hydrate: water is important to flush out those harmful bacteria!
  2. Scream: when you’ve got a UTI for the fifth time this year and you know in your heart they will never ever stop, they’ll just keep coming back, and you’ll die peeing blood, get all that worry and tension out with a good old-fashioned scream sesh!
  3. Pray for forgiveness for whatever you did to deserve this: what did you ever do to deserve such punishment? Something heinous, surely. The powers of good have forsaken you!
  4. Call on dark gods for relief: no one else can help you now.
  5. Sell your soul to those dark gods: you’ll do whatever it takes!
  6. Sacrifice your family to those same dark gods: those guys are just never satisfied, am I right? Maybe this will finally be enough!
  7. Put a crystal in your vagina or something, I don’t know: Gwyneth would do it, I bet.
  8. Live a celibate life as a nun, renounce peeing entirely: go with me on this one, I think it’s worth a try.
  9. Walk despairingly into the sea, beating helplessly against the unrelenting waves with your fists: this won’t help with your UTIs, it just feels like the only thing to do at this point.
  10. Cranberry pills: A bunch of people on the internet told me this might help!

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