Use Your Writing To Showcase Your Fake Eyelashes

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I only do comedy for one reason: as a platform to show off my fake and expensive eyelashes. When I say that, people usually assume I mean that I perform comedy. I do perform comedy, but I don’t limit my eyelash display to only my live comedy. My writing (tweets included. Actually, I basically only tweet) is a great place to showcase my fake eyelashes as well. Follow my simple guide for how to show off your fake eyelashes in your writing.

  1. Include pictures of yourself. Ideally pictures taken from underneath your eye. It’s the new porn (for those with fake eyelashes). It’s also better than nudes because it won’t inevitably end up on reddit (although if you’re lucky it will!).
  2. Use your fake eyelashes in similes. For example: the latte was expensive like a fake eyelash. Is it a simile if it’s just stating two expensive things? I don’t know, I’m not a writing expert!
  3. Write long, drawn-out personal essays about how paying over $100 for your fake eyelashes has not fixed your life. This is both extremely annoying and extremely relatable, because everyone can relate to being annoying. You might find a website that will pay you $20 for an article like this, which is great, because that covers approximately 6 of your implanted lashes. If you write 12 of these articles/week, which you should, because how else will XOJane get content, you might be able to support your fake lash addiction. You’ll at least be able to support a goldfish (the cracker- I assume the animals require upkeep).
  4. Write nothing, and explain that now you’re pretty enough that you don’t have to make a living as a writer. This is especially useful for people like me who do not currently make a living as a writer. Everyone will wonder where you’ve gone after you’ve stopped writing, but only 2 people max will think it’s strange. Everyone else will chalk it up to your lack of talent and/or fake lashes. Or they won’t notice — fingers crossed.
  5. Make your lashes the butt of every joke. Of course, there’s nothing funny about true beauty, but your audience doesn’t have to know that. Nothing says “every girl” like saying “hahaha my lashes are so fucking gorgeous!” Seriously, it’s what Jennifer Lawrence would do. Right before eating pizza (only 1/2 a bite).

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