Google Exit: Our Newest Innovation For Predator Compensation

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We at Google are proud to launch our newest innovation for G Suite Enterprise: Google Exit.

The Relatable/Human Philosophy Behind the Innovation
At Google, our company motto (previously the way-less-specific “Don’t be evil”) is the very relatable and actionable phrase, “Do the right thing”. That’s exactly what Google Exit is all about. Because at Google, we’re good guys, just like you: and like you, we know that doing the right thing means compensating predators with unprecedented amounts of cash.

Google Exit’s Monetary Algorithm
In today’s day and age, no company can be without a technological safeguard against the potential for lawsuits, public outcry, and investigations by Ronan Farrow, all of which can seriously hurt a company’s earnings potential for a day or two. How will multimillionaire executives ever become billionaire executives in such a hostile business climate? With our fair, totally non-biased algorithms developed by the good guys at Google, that’s how!

If there’s no way to keep your predatory executive on board (bummer!), our app will first determine his eligibility for an exit package, based entirely on how recently you paid another harasser severance – can’t compensate every pal you fire for sexual misconduct, or pretty soon you’ll go broke! The system then uses several factors to calculate his exit package, including current salary, future earning potential, the credibility of claims against him, and *the relevance of morality to your company’s mission. (*Note: the morality add-on is in beta testing; the guy working on it had to take a mandatory leave of absence for no reason, so that’ll be ready ASAP.)

Implementing Business Solutions
You know that Lady-Killer Dave, SVP of Acquisitions, is a nice guy (he’s been married for twenty years!). What do you do when Marsha from Accounting interprets his drunken Christmas party groping the wrong way? It’s not like you’re firing a low-level creepy programming nerd here; if you fire Dave without a big payout, he’ll go to your competitors and you’ll have a witch-hunt (our male-developed algorithm told us that was the right word for this context) on your hands.

With solutions from Google Exit, he’ll start his own company, he’ll be highly compensated enough to buy a home in every San Francisco neighborhood, and Marsha will shut the hell up. You’ll be glad you did the right thing: after all, why ruin a man’s life over one alleged mistake?

Trusted Results Vis-à-Vis Reliable Data
You can rely on Google Exit because we’ve been using it here at Google for years. For example, you may have read about Andy “Father of the Android” Rubin’s $90 million exit package. If you’re a regular American earning an average salary (what is it, like, $200,000 a year?), struggling to pay your kids’ private school bills, only able to offer your nannies three choices of platinum health insurance plans, then you may have been shocked by this figure.

Never fear, Google users; this is the logical number generated by Google Exit’s non-biased technology that sexual harassers definitely didn’t create. You can trust us, because we made sure not to put any emotional girl-engineers anywhere near the product development team for Google Exit. Lady programmers usually make these things more emotional than they need to be; we’re not sexist, we’re just being rational here.

Google Exit: Keeping Everybody Happy
With Google Exit’s language algorithms, we generated Larry Page’s 2014 statement when Handsy Andy left, saying, “With Android he created something truly remarkable — with a billion-plus happy users”. After we invested in his venture firm and paid him $90 million, we’d like to think Andy was winking at us when he (allegedly) wrote to a woman about an “ownership relationship”, saying: “You will be happy being taken care of”.

With Google Exit, everyone’s happy! (Except for our female employees/women we forced out/most women of the world, but they’re a statistically insignificant segment of our data.) Remember: we’re the good guys at Google, who always do the right thing. Isn’t rewarding high-earning, predatory executives THE definition of “doing the right thing”?

It is; trust us, we googled it, and we definitely don’t control that sort of thing.

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