I know today’s world can be daunting for your average American female. These days we’ll accept any excuse to retreat briefly from the gaze of our chauvinistic overlords. Well ladies, I’m here to suggest an outlet that you may not have considered. I suggest that in order to distance ourselves from the proverbial man, we need to form a closer relationship with a woman. And not just any woman; our mother. No, not that horrible woman who constantly makes passive aggressive comments about the size of our thighs, Mother Earth. What I’m saying is, plant a damn garden.
That’s right girls. A great way to free ourselves from our dependence upon the dumber sex is to get our hands dirty and take up gardening. We need to dig up some dirt on lady nature and then plant our seed inside her. Let me rephrase that. We need to make love to our mother. Okay, that was worse. All I’m saying is, who among us hasn’t been having sex with a man and thought “Boy I could really go for a fresh avocado right now”? Exactly.
Let me paint you a picture. The sun rises on a modest plot of soil. The sounds of early birds chirping and honey bees hard at work fill the air. Enter our heroine, spectacularly clad in capri pants and clogs, wheelbarrow in tow. She carries a hoe but she’s too secure in her own sexuality to worry about the obvious jokes. Every day, little by little she creates new life in the form of organic produce. She doesn’t need a man to validate her; her TOMATOES validate her. After a few weeks in the dirt, you too can feel as strong and independent as she.
I can tell you personally that when I’m thigh deep in fresh cucumber and ripe zucchini, somehow I completely lose the need for male company. But no need to follow my lead. Get out there and experiment! Try a fat, juicy eggplant, or a bumpy summer squash. Find what fits for you. The possibilities are limitless!
And it doesn’t stop with vegetables. Imagine decorating your home with gorgeous floral arrangements you grew yourself. Or better yet, fill your apartment with bouquets and claim that they were gifted to you by your many admirers. Either way, your girlfriends will be jealous. And in the end, isn’t that what we all want? I recommend roses, both because they’re beautiful and because they have thorns. These serve as a reminder that, much like men, things that smell good and look nice can also hurt. Never forget why we’re here, ladies.
It’s not all about the finished product, however. When it comes to gardening, the labor can be even more rewarding than the fruits. It all depends on how you channel your frustration with the opposite sex into your agricultural pursuits. Oftentimes after I’ve been ghosted or received a sexist twitter reply, I dig deep in that soil and I spread it across my cheeks like a feral cavewoman. I paw at my shrubberies and pretend I’m taking a brief pause to forage before continuing the hunt. Ain’t no caveman gonna club this lady over the head, not after witnessing my prowess with a trowel. Then I yank that shrub out of the ground and hold it up by the branches for my enemies to see. I scream “This is the metaphorical severed head of the literal patriarchy, which is very much intact!”
From the beginning of time, gardens have been a place for women to grow and thrive. I know you may think things didn’t end well for Eve in the Bible, but remember it wasn’t until Adam ran his big mouth that the two were cast out of Eden. Gardening is an activity perfectly suited to a woman’s nurturing spirit, and can provide a much-needed sanctuary from the relentless torrent of testosterone we all must face. So I say to you, reader: get out there and start planting.
Become one with the earth. And the next time a guy approaches you and tries to put his seed in your hole, hold up your dirty hands in defiance and say “That’s MY job, buddy!” Happy gardening!