A Rundown Of All The Voter Fraud I Witnessed This Election Season

white and grey voting day sign
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Unfortunately, not everyone is a model citizen like me. I for one act as though every day is July 4th and answer accordingly when anyone asks me for the date. I’m just that patriotic. But like every election season, there are people that pose a threat to the very democracy that I love so much. That’s right, I’m talking about FRAUDULENT VOTERS. Disgusting. Now, speaking as someone who is so enthusiastic about voting that I sent in 7 or 8 votes (a couple extra for myself and a couple for people who I know didn’t vote), it makes me sick to know some Americans decided to stay home and just pretend like they voted to dodge the disapproving remarks from their peers. Hopefully, you can help law enforcement throw those frauds in jail forever by reporting these phrases when you hear them after election day:

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“I sent in my absentee ballot”

This type of voter fraud is most common among first and second-year college students. They always claim to have made an effort, but they are usually just putting on a show because they feel like they should have some strong political opinions by now. Also, the whole absentee ballot process is confusing as fuck, so there’s almost no chance they actually ended up going through it all. In reality, they probably made some minimal effort, got discouraged immediately, and then told themselves it “got lost in the mail.”

These people should be thrown in jail forever.

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“I went at 7:00 am before work.”

Oh really? You expect me to believe that you pulled your fat, lumbering body out of bed at the crack of dawn just so you could stand in a slightly shorter line, and then not even get rewarded with food at the end of it? Suuurrreee. Also, you hate your job, why would you go early in the morning and pass up this legal opportunity to skip work during company time? FRAUD!

These people should be thrown in jail forever.

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“I made sure to do early voting this year!”

Yeah, ok, sure you did. “Early voting,” you might as well just say  “I don’t know where to vote, when to vote, or how to vote, but I do know that this is apparently a plausible reason for why you didn’t see me at the voting booth.” Nice try, terrorist. Do early votes even count? Or are they just the same as pre-election polls? If they do count, I’m sure they count less than the votes of real Americans who stayed patient in some long line the way Uncle Sam intended.

These people should be thrown in jail forever.

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“I voted” sticker – worn by a child

Hey kid, you’re 12, obviously, you didn’t vote, you liar. I can see right through you. You should be ashamed of yourself for toting that honorary sticker of American glory.

These kids should be thrown in jail forever.

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“I don’t have to tell you who I voted for.”

Hmmmm…. Spoken just like someone who never voted… What have you to hide, FRAUD? TELL ME! COWARD!

These people should be thrown in jail forever.

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“I voted for, uh, oh I don’t know, there were a lot of positions. I can’t remember each and every one!”

This is exactly why we have the electoral college, to prevent ill-informed dumb-dumbs like these folks from having any real voice. Why do you deserve a voice if you don’t even know what you’re saying? If you can’t remember each and every politician you voted for right down to the sheriff and assemblyperson of your town, you are everything that is wrong with America.

These people should be thrown in jail forever.

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